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GAY GUYS AND FAMILY TRAPS
#1
Hello Project, 
I send you this mail because I think it can be useful for many guys, if you want, you can publish it. 

I’m a 24 year old guy, I grew up in a family that loved me, at least at the beginning. Since very young I have been routed in all ways towards heterosexuality. The idea of a girlfriend was one of my obsessions well before I started having any experience of what sex was like. I have a cousin, she is two years older than me and is an only child exactly like me. I have no male cousins, she is my only cousin. I have just one uncle, my father's brother and my cousin's father. Since I was very young my parents have tried everything to make me put together with my cousin, they reminded me to make her a little "gift" when it was her name day or birthday and they paid the gift, but the little gifts, since I and my cousin were about 15/16 years old, had become very important gifts, valuable watches, gold brooches and even a ring, something like an engagement ring, even if nobody used this expression. 

At first I didn’t understand the meaning of all this and I felt a little flattered. We always went on holiday together, my family and hers (the only close relatives), we took a single apartment and we were together at the sea for two months. My parents have also given me a beautiful rowing canoe, naturally two-seater, my cousin and I were always canoeing, from morning to late evening, everything seemed normal. Let's say that up to 16/17 years old the constant presence of my cousin had also made me think that basically I could fall in love with her, even though my private sexuality has always been exclusively gay. 

The pressure of her parents on her produced the hoped effect, because I think she fell in love with me, but for me experiencing the pressure of my parents who assumed everything for granted was a real nightmare. Luckily my cousin is very Catholic and we can say that on the sexual side she always went on very slowly and, at least up to 19/20 years, she has never put me in great difficulty from that point of view. Then the problems started because it was clear that she was looking for a soft way to end up “there”, a bit for fun and a bit seriously she hugged me, when it was something simple and direct even if pretending I was interested at least partially, I could also let her do, in practice she was pampering me, but then, step by step she began to provoke badly trying to touch me. I stopped her once with an excuse, then another time with the thing of the religion and I began to distance myself. 

She insisted, I tried to thin out the situations in which we would be alone together, but sometimes it was inevitable and it happened and there I felt really aggressive, in other words I hated her. I’m not mad at my cousin who is also a beautiful and good girl, but I don’t want to end up crushed by a perverse mechanism of family nature and I don’t even want to tell my story to anyone, she is not a stranger but the daughter of my father's brother so, if she knew, even all my more distant relatives would know and for me such a thing is absolutely inconceivable. My business must be my own business. I know that if I don’t make a clear speech, I must shortly interrupt the relationship and it's exactly what I want to do immediately and in the most radical way, at the cost of destroying family’s harmony.
 
Last week, something happened that annoyed me extremely and made me realize how hypocritical are my parents. They invited my cousin for lunch at my house. Mom prepared everything and then she and dad came out with an excuse late in the morning. My cousin arrived, my parents had advised her by telephone that they would have arrived not before eight o'clock in the evening and "then" they communicated the same information to me too. In practice I was forced to stay alone at home with my cousin and no one takes away from my head that they did it on purpose because my cousin told me that she had told my mother that I never really tried to have sex or something similar with her. 

In short, my cousin, pretending to joke, this time tried badly to start something sexual with me. I rejected her drastically, she made for me a movie scene and went away slamming the door, obviously she calls my parents and tells them everything. They come home 10 minutes later (see the combination!), and they ask me what happened, I say screaming to my mother: "But do you know what did she want from me?" And my mother replies: "Well, and what's wrong?" My mother had always been an irreducible Catholic but according to her, the fact that I had to make love with my cousin (in a situation that my mother had combined!) was an obvious thing! 

My cousin I haven’t seen her for a few days now but I think they have convinced  / forced her to apologize, This thing makes me consider my cousin like a puppet in the hands of parents and uncles and I think they will come back to the assault. My mother attacked me head-on and wanted to know the details, then insisted to know if I had another girl. For my parents the idea that one can be gay is absolutely inconceivable, because they think a gay goes around like a fagot. I had the naivety to insist that there wasn't any other girl and here I have been really stupid, because now going back and invent one is very difficult. However, in one way or another I absolutely have to get rid of all these things, because I have come to hate my family that I consider an aggregate of hypocrisy and economic management. They never wondered what I could think. 

Project, you can understand what kind of gay life I can live! I have to be careful about everything, in practice sometimes I would have liked to start thinking about cultivating a serious friendship with two university guys. With them I tried to study together, maybe I would not have done anything anyway, but in practice I left the game before starting because I couldn’t go anywhere. Next summer I should graduate and cannot wait to leave home. I want to change city, if I can I will go abroad. I want to go away  non in order to do who knows what but to no longer see my parents who have only tried to cage me. 

I don’t know if I'll ever find a guy, maybe I will not find one but I'm prepared for this but what I want first of all is to leave home, I would just need to find a friend to chat a bit, to be myself, to stop finally pretending. I also said that I could make a nice coming out in the family disregarding everything and everyone, but I could do it only if I was no longer in my house. If I did it now it would be hell. But how do they do adult people and even culturally evolved not to have the faintest idea of gays? I also thought that many of my fears and worries could be meaningless and that maybe if I told them everything they would understand me, but I don’t think it would be that way. But now all these problems are still far away. 
 
Now I have to understand how to defend myself from the "apology" of my cousin. In the end I think the simplest solution would be to invent a girl or maybe take my parents to a concrete suspicion of this kind. I gave the phone number to several of my female friends who call me often and I went out with them in the evening several times in a row just to let them think that I have another girl. My mother may have the first suspicions. 

Project, it seems a paradoxical situation, what would you do? But things like this happen to many other guys? I would very much like to know it. Sometimes I feel really in a cage and I don’t have the courage to take a step and this, at 24, I think it's really crazy. Maybe I'm not up to the situation, but I prefer to think that my behavior derives from the need not to expose myself. I confess to you something else, it's the first time I've contacted a gay site and I'm a little worried because I don’t know what I can expect. Let's say that I'm in total zero in the gay dimension. The address of the sender of this mail is also my msn contact  (created for the occasion!). Hi Project, I would like to know what you think about.

M. P.
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