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GAY EXPERIENCES
#1
Hello Project, I've known the gay project blog for a long time and from a few days ago I started reading the forum too. I didn’t think I would have written anything, but I have to say one thing, you give a very particular view of the gay world, when I read the posts of the guys in the forum I realize that they also think essentially like you, maybe they have been lucky and have known only the positive aspects of gays but there are many other things that a gay guy should consider very carefully to avoid getting into trouble.
 
I’m 26 years old and I have always lived in Milan but I can guarantee you that I have seen very different things from those you write. I tell it not in a polemical sense, because I like a lot the things you put in the blog, but for me they represent more a single side of the coin than the general rule, more what I would like than what I see or have seen so far.
 
I read your articles on homosexual prostitution and I would like to say that even when those levels aren't reached, often a young boy is likely to be in contact with people who have broken out, maybe not his fault, and with situations that are quite pathological also in the conception of sex. But I don’t want to make a generic speech. I'll tell you a true story, my story, I think it can serve to reflect.
 
I've always known that I was gay, at the age of 16 I feel lonely, I miss a physical contact. I don’t even know what this expression means, if I miss a hug and a little pampering or I miss a real sexual contact, I probably miss both things and I feel bad, very bad, I fall in love with a heterosexual schoolmate and I spend a couple of years to run after him, of course without any result, or better with the only result of being disgraced everywhere, even at home, and being attacked with a memorable scene, even if I hadn’t done anything absurd, anything at all.
 
At 18 I fight every day with my parents who now tolerate me but have already completely downloaded me, I’m doing bad at school, in the twelfth grade I risk of being rejected because I don’t go to school, anyway my teachers close both their eyes and I arrive in the thirteenth grade.
 
I get the fixed idea of finding someone, I cannot say whether in order to be hugged or to have sex. I desperately need someone to take care of me that makes me feel that he loves me, but there is no one and then I start to follow two paths, one is that of the gym and the other is that of the combined meetings on the internet.
 
On the gym side after a week I find a guy 35-year-old who seems interested, a fine guy, a nice guy, a bit too old for me but a nice guy, courting me with looks, attentions, invitations to the bar of the gym but also a bit of compliments, he tells me that I'm a nice guy, in short, I feel encouraged. I thought he would like to look at me in the locker room or in the showers ... no! It was just as if I were not there, but he continued to court me, then I take courage and I say "I'm gay" and he says: "Me too ... but here I am straight ..." I don’t understand the meaning of such an answer, after a few days he says to me: "Do you come to my house tonight?" I feel taken aback, what I can expect I know it very well ... or better I don’t know at all ... because one says: "I foresee just sex ... " Ok, but what does that mean? ...
 
In short, I go there, I felt very excited, for me it was the first time. I was expecting a tender thing but it was not like that at all, I didn’t even have the courage to react and he behaved just like a beast, he wanted only one thing from me, he didn’t care about anything, for him I was more or less like an inflatable doll.
 
When he did what he wanted, it was all over and for me there was not even a caress. He looked at me satisfied, but I felt like crying, I felt like a disgust, I had given my virginity to such a beast, I felt like an unforgivable stupid. He noticed it and told me that I was a kid and that if I didn’t want to stay, I didn’t have to be of consequence to him, etc. etc. I dressed and left. Then it really came into my head that for me living would have made no sense and that gays were all a disgust, one worse than the other.
 
A few days later I found another one on the internet, James, ... one with a body very muscular and well trained but with a sweet look ... We meet, it's not beautiful but it's not too bad, he doesn’t go right to the point, in short, he talks a bit, tells me he has never had sex with a guy, with girls yes. He’s a very undecided guy who likes be courted, I'm around him 15/20 days and then finally the first intercourse with him. It starts not bad ... I think this time I have found the good one. No forcing ... then at the best part he kisses me and says: "Mark ... I love you!" ... but my name is Francis and he knows it very well ... I pretend not to have understood and he calls me Mark again. I tell him my name is Francis and he tells me he wants to call me Mark. I ask him why and he tells me that he needs Mark because he is in love with Mark and not with me, that I can never give him anything because only Mark can make him feel good.
 
I ask him who Mark is and tells me the story, in practice he is madly in love with Mark, but Mark doesn’t care at all about him. Mark too is gay, but Mark is beautiful and has as many guys as he wants ... in practice we spent all night talking about Mark. I was sorry for James, he demanded that I helped him to write an email to Mark, I said to him: "Don’t get angry, but, excuse me, why do you want to send it to him ... if he doesn’t care at all about you? ..." But he insisted: "No, come on, please, let's write it ... " and told me all the things that I had to put in the email. In the end we finished the email ... and he asked me to send it, I told him: "Read it before sending!" But he told me that he trusted me and I sent it.
 
The next day James calls me at five in the afternoon, I thought he wanted to see me, but no ... he starts an endless story blaming me for a hundred things ... Marco had thrown the phone in his face because an email like that just a fool like me could write it because I was too aggressive ... basically if Mark had sent him to the hell, the fault was only mine ... but he went further: "You took advantage of my moment of weakness to bring me to make love, but I didn’t want to ... I feel like you had raped me ... but you don’t even realize it ... " To which I sent him loudly to hell.
 
Ten days later, a 50-year-old man comes to the gym ... and what a subject he was!  Bald, fat like a lard ball ... in short, this one starts to court me and it was very distasteful ... but hell, I was 18, he was 50 ... I say no! ... nothing, he insists! It makes me fucking embarrassed ... in front of everybody ... then an instructor asks me: "But you know who is that man?" I answer: "No! Who is it?" And the instructor tells me that he was a very rich builder who had enticed, so to say, all the guys in the area ... I close with the gym!
 
I have internet ... now I'm just looking for peers.
Two brothers propose me to do the third ... no thanks! I finally know another guy, quite nice ... the chats were very sweet ... he had also spoken about sex in a rather provocative way ... but with education ... we chat every day, I think he's a beautiful person, I talk to him willingly, I insist on getting to know him but he takes time, I think he is an adult man who says he is an eighteen year old and I ask him to see him on cam, we open a video call ... he is very young ... he is 15 years old beautiful as the sun ... but is a minor, we remained friends for a few months then he found a guy of 29 years and we no longer felt.
 
Two or three months later I meet Leo, 19, we also do some sex in the chat with the video camera. I like him a lot ... In the end we get to the appointment ... for me it's a fundamental thing. I wait for him ... but he doesn’t come ... I go back home I open the chat where we always were chatting but his contact has been deleted. His blog no longer exists. Disappeared into nothing!
 
I met a lot of strange people, especially people with the fixed idea of sex, both young and about 40/50 years and the thing that came to my head is that being gay doesn’t have to be such an easy if there is so much gay people out of mind ...
 
I have to say that I also met some good guys and some nice gay couples.
 
For the past four years I've been with my boyfriend, whose name is Laurence. When we first met I thought he was yet another hunter of easy sex, but with him it was different ... but Laurence arrived after a long series of unpleasant experiences ... not unpleasant, I would better say of experiences that end with the classic sentence: "But how did I and up in love with a moron like this?"
 
I want to say that what Project says is true and that in the end there are good things in the gay world, but we must also open our eyes well and distinguish the serious people from those who at 30/50 still play pretending they are kids. Hugs to all!
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