06-20-2020, 04:13 PM
Hi Project,
I read your last posts in the forum and I was impressed by the speeches on monogamy, because it’s the first time that I read something about this subject that corresponds with my experience. I'll try to explain better why. I'm growing up! I’m 34 years old and I begin to understand how gay love works. Of course without generalizing too much, however I begin to understand a little better the way through which many gay guys relate to me.
Unfortunately, they like me at first sight, that is, they see me and hit the ground running, it has always been like that, now maybe a little less. They follow me, they woo me, they have a strong interest in me, or rather they have a huge interest in having sex with me, to the point that if I say no, they feel really bad.
I don't know what I do to men but for them I’m the object of desires, obviously they don't evaluate the person I'm, because they fall crazily in love with me at first sight, without even having the time to know me a little.
And I'm not a so beautiful guy, I consider myself normal, I see many guys who look much better than me, really many. For a few years or more than a few years, I played with this thing, I knew that I had a power over men, or at least on a certain category of men, that is, on those who are a little depressed, a little cursed, tormented, very humoral, which are precisely the ones I like best and, I would add, that in general they are also very beautiful guys.
A few years ago I had come to discover a principle about this sort of falling in love. I told myself that they were in love as long as I didn't give up, because at that time I tended not to give the guys much confidence.
Then when I started saying yes to someone I had proof that the crush on me doesn’t pass easily, in fact usually it doesn’t pass at all, but there is one thing that I don't like: the crush on me is practically only sexual and this makes me uncomfortable.
I can find guys to woo me quite easily, even when I have no intention of it and I don't get rid of them easily, but they want to get from me one thing only. Honestly it's not that I'm sorry that things go like this, in a way it's comfortable, but it's not enough for me, because these aren't love stories.
When I go to bed with some of these guys I see them really taken by a kind of absurd frenzy that almost seems pathological to me because nothing like this has ever happened to me, sometimes the enthusiasm is so strong that the guy doesn't even think about condoms and there I stop him and say to him: “I'm not crazy! I don't want to risk getting HIV just for a fuck! " However, the point is another: these guys are not looking for a guy but just for a fuck! Because in the end they have their boyfriends.
I don't know if they tell their boyfriends that they go around courting me, I don't think they tell them such sort of things, but they tell me that they have a boyfriend because they understand that I wouldn't get away from them for this reason, and they tell me it because according to them in this way I can’t delude myself that they are in love with me. In a sense, "with me" they are honest.
At the beginning I used to think that these behaviors were a sign of something pathological, that is, I thought they were just uncontrollable physical outbursts and instead the more I go on the more I realize that this is not the case. They need two things: the first is to have a steady boyfriend, that is, a serious point of reference, which is fine for certain things, and the second is to have a lover with whom, even if there is no real emotional relationship, it is anyhow possible to let off steam. It is a bit like in the 1800s, one had a wife who was fine for certain things, then he had a lover and paid her with money and so he thought he was using her as a tool of pleasure only, but when he was with his lover he used to let himself go and not just sexually, and he used to tell his lover things he could never say to his wife.
In conclusion, I think that stable gay relationships, in many cases, are a bit like a golden prison from which many guys sooner or later tend to escape. The guys, from what I see, with the stable boyfriend have a relationship that is also sexual, but up to a certain point, that is, there are still taboos, which for example don’t exist at all with me. With me they talk about their sexual problems, they want to know what I think of their way of having sex, they compare with me, they take me as a yardstick and I think they do it to have a way to evaluate from the outside their relationship with their stable boyfriend.
The fact that they often tell me and repeat that they have a stable boyfriend, in my opinion, means that they are also afraid of falling in love with me because this would undermine their relationship with the stable boyfriend, that's why they insist on telling me that they have sex with me only for sex, but this thing is so repeated that it ends up being the classic excusatio non petita (unrequired justification).
Why do they come to tell me and remind me of it every time? This means that they have a dirty conscience, that is that they actually keep me at bay and are afraid of me, but not because I could fall in love with them but because they could fall in love with me! Because they would like both me and their stable boyfriend, but this puts them in crisis and forces them to lie, because in their world having a stable boyfriend is a bit like getting married and marriage must be monogamous.
Let me be clear, in the fact that they want both me and their stable boyfriend, I don't see anything wrong, but they instead consider it almost a betrayal, even if they do it anyway! For them, keeping one foot in two shoes is a problem, because they say to me that they have a stable boyfriend, while with the stable boyfriend they are careful not to talk about me.
This is a bit what I don't like about these guys, I don't like their fake respectability, their way of not saying things as they are because they are afraid of losing the stable boyfriend, because you must keep in mind that having a stable boyfriend is a social status, with the stable boyfriend they go out with friends while they are afraid of being seen on the street with me.
I can satisfy their needs only at home, or better in bed, this is my role, they would never introduce me to their friends, because friends belong to another sphere. I’m part of the sex area, not of the social relations area. They treat me a bit like 19th century men used to treat their lovers.
I don't mind being with these guys, they also have a kind of loyalty towards me, even if, clearly, they are ashamed of me or better of themselves. Of course I wouldn't want to be in the shoes of their stable boyfriends! In short, I’m the dark side of their life, the one who must remain hidden in order not to ruin the really important things.
They think that I suffer from this situation but I'm fine, I don't want a stable boyfriend, to end up like their stable boyfriends. I love the guys who woo me, they make me tenderness but I absolutely don't see them in the role of a boyfriend, I know that sooner or later they will leave, perhaps
because they are in love with their boyfriend or because maintaining a relationship with me would become too complicated, maybe it can be done when there is no coexistence with the stable boyfriend, but when they live together, escapades are no longer practicable. I’m the escapade! And I smile while saying it! But even escapes have their own meaning.
I hug you, Project! Keep doing what you do!
Obviously you can use the email as you want.