10-31-2021, 10:47 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-01-2021, 03:13 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Dear Project,
you perhaps are wondering why I put a title on the email and why I didn’t write “praise of my boyfriend”. First of all because he doesn’t like to feel somebody’s boyfriend, then because he’s no longer a boy, he’s 43, and then because he deserves praise.I have never had an easy character, I do a lot of small talk, I’m very picky, I split hairs but I always postpone decisions and I’m afraid of everything, that is, I prefer to avoid deciding when I can. I have to admit that there were some guys running after me, I mean they were pretty interested in me, actually those guys weren’t more than five or six, including those who passed like meteors, but of those few guys I always got tired after a short time and they left because they saw me faded and not very participatory. You can understand what real chances I had of finding a true boyfriend. In practice I probably was neither looking for a real boyfriend. I was not closed in principle to such things but they were only eventualities that I was not “concretely” looking for.
Then he enters my life, several years ago now. He’s two years younger than me, but he looks much younger. We know each other at university, we attend the same degree course but I’m in the third year and he has just enrolled. I had noticed him because he was really beautiful, or at least I liked him a lot, he had begun to chat with me, because usually, when you know nobody at all, you start to chat with the guy who is just nearby, then those five minutes of chat became ten, then twenty, then I asked him where he lived and I told him that I would gladly accompany him home, he smiled at me and said “Thank you!” It all started like this, he didn’t live near the university and so we spent at least 20-25 minutes together every day.
He used to talk to me about his studies, what he wanted to do “when he grew up”, etc. etc., I, in turn, told him about the courses of the following years, the professors and the exams. We didn’t use to talk about personal things, but the habit of accompanying him home become a rule. We couldn’t study together because we had to attend courses of different years but we were fine together. The conversation between us was usually more meaningful for omissions than for admissions, we never talked about girls, what obviously was very significant. We certainly had something in common: never in the disco, we thought above all about studying and building a future, we both felt a certain impatience for our family environment, and above all we were well together.
We started seeing each other also on Sunday morning, officially for cultural reasons but basically just to be together. We were only together in the morning, then at lunchtime I would take him back home because we had to study in the afternoon. Between us a very particular exchange of smiles was very common, on Sunday mornings we played like two kids, we talked nonsense and laughed at everything. I remember that there was an advertising poster of the “consorcio” tuna that he read emphasizing the separation between the words “con-socio” (that in Italian mean “with a mouse”), and started to laugh and the laughter became unstoppable!
Time passed, the situation was pleasant, very pleasant, but it did not evolve. Obviously I had done more than a little thought about him, but I had a thousand psychological problems, for me sex was just a matter of fantasy, I had the idea of being able to really try it but I rejected it with a lot of pseudo-arguments, from the fear of diseases, to the fact that I would have disappointed him, up to moral scruples of various kinds, a residue of my Catholic upbringing, in the sense that I thought that somehow having sex with him would have been a bit like making him have a negative experience, let's say how to dirty him a little etc. etc .. He, in theory, did not know that I was gay, as I did not know about him, we had never explicitly told about, but, after six months, only an idiot could have had doubts and I had them and I felt like an idiot.
I have begun to have doubts like Hamlet: do I tell him or do I not tell him? But I didn't tell him anyway. I didn't ask myself what he could think (which would have been the healthiest thing), I thought about what I could or could not do myself and that's it, but in this way the situation didn't go on. Then we started talking about things a little more personal and I started to be afraid that he was going to put me on the corner, but he didn't, he exposed himself first and told me a half story with a friend of his, who that did not even look at him, but that he liked a lot, in practice this was his coming out. In that situation it is obvious that you have to tell him about you too and I did and I said, "I've never been with a guy, but I guess I'm not ready for these things yet. "The morning ended just like all the previous Sundays, I accompanied him back home and we said goodbye, I noticed that this time we didn't shake hands, as we always did, but he smiled at me looking into my eyes and said: “Today I’m very happy” and I replied: “Me too”.
Project, at that point one would expect the story should go further, he probably expected it, but I would have gladly driven back, I would have liked to cancel that Sunday morning, because by now I had taken a step with no return and I would have liked not to have done it. It is paradoxical, you are finally in the condition that would lead you to have sex with the guy you dreamed of, because for me he was really at the top, the others were less than zero in comparison, and instead you are afraid and try to postpone, to take time, to avoid any decision. After all, it was he the one who had decided coming out, as usual I would not have done anything, and I wondered what I would have done if he had tried to take another step forward. Here the temptation was great, but so was the fear.
His attempts were very cautious and gradual. The first time he deliberately touched my hand to have a minimum of physical contact with me, I pulled it back, then he repeated the gesture and I let him do, I didn't know what to do, I wanted to go further but I also wanted to leave. I tried to explain, but he was perplexed, he didn't understand, my behavior seemed absolutely absurd to him, let's say pathological.
We both lived with our parents, so we couldn't see each other in the house and obviously, in the car, on Sunday mornings, we could get to hold hands a bit, which we had come to, not without stupid problems on my part and not without anger immediately suppressed on his part. Of course, however, we could not go beyond that level and I must say that this reassured me. I was very excited when I was with him, even just holding each other hands, and he was very excited too.
One Sunday he asks me if I would like to spend a weekend with him, I ask him if he means even sleeping together and he says yes, and I begin to procrastinate as usual, to not answer and pretend nothing is happening and to be distracted, he insists and I tell him I don't feel like it. He makes a face of disappointment and tells me: "Okay, I understand ..." opens the door of the car and leaves. I realize, years later, that he must have felt very discomforted and deceived, because in practice I had refused him. On the other hand, at first I felt like a great man, a moral hero who had said no to him because he really loved him, beyond sex! But then already after an hour I missed him very much, I thought he would never look me in the face again. I was aware that perhaps not only I had not done anything good for him but I had offended him in a very profound way. But even in this situation I didn't pick up the phone to tell him how I felt, I kept for myself my discomfort and also my "moral" satisfaction of having done it for him and I didn't think about how he could really feel. The next day I go to class, but I take a different tour of the corridors so as not to pass in front of the classroom where he attends lessons. At the end of the last hour of class I find him in front of the door as usual, as if nothing had happened between us, he doesn't mention that in the morning I didn't come to greet him as usual, everything happens as if the previous Sunday nothing had happened, but he is not acting, it seems that the anger has passed. Our life proceeds as before, I think in the meantime that I have not lost him, and it reassures me a lot, and that perhaps he has accepted the idea that sex for the moment is to be put aside.
A couple of weeks later, he tells me that the family has a little house in the mountains where nobody ever goes and that we could go there on a Sunday, then he looks me in the face and says: "I will not jump on you! don't worry!" I tell him that we can also talk about it. He wants to get me to say that it's okay for me also for the following Sunday, but I start again with hesitations and stupid speeches and he says to me: “But why do you always have to ruin everything? What are you afraid of? I don't infect you with diseases, I've never been with anyone, really never. " I keep beating around the bush and he gets out of the car and drives off on foot without saying goodbye.
Again I feel bad, but then in the end, for the second time, I console myself and tell myself that I do it anyway for his good and that I have to put aside the melancholies. The next day, I pass in front of his classroom and greet him as if nothing had happened, he looks at me with an attitude of defiance but not of disinterest. At the end of the lessons I take him home as usual and he says to me: “Don't tell me you don't care! I can see very well that you are tempted and very much too! But what are you afraid of? " I start again with the discourse of diseases, "in the sense that I would not like to infect him, I to him, non he me". He looks at me and says: "You told me you've never been with anyone, so that's not true ..." I swore it was true and he said to me, but if we both do the test first, then you don't have excuses anymore, ok? " I replied: “Well…” and he was about to lose his temper again, then he held back and said to me: “Meanwhile let's do the test! Ok? " I replied by nodding my head yes, he said to me: "Okay, I'll take care of it ..." I thought it was a way of saying and I nodded yes again. Then he looked me straight in the eye and said: "But remember that you must keep your word!" and I just said to him: "Ok!". I thought that the speech was very vague and that it would be talked about in an indefinite future, and instead, exactly in moment when I got back home I received a text message telling me that I had to pick him up the next day at home at 6.45, to go together to do the sample, because he had made the appointment for 7.15, in a laboratory near the university. I only replied "Ok".
The next day we met and went to take the sample, then the day followed the usual course. We didn't have the slightest anxiety about the test, neither he nor I. When I took him home he said to me: “Friday afternoon we must go together to pick up the results…” and so we did. The results were evidently both negative, what was practically taken for granted, we had no sexually transmitted diseases, but so also my excuse to say no had vanished in the air. He suggests that I go to the mountains on Sunday and I feel a little forced and a little tempted but in the end I say yes.
On Sunday morning I go to pick him up, after about an hour's drive we arrive at his little house, a place lost in the middle of the mountains. According to the agreed program, we would return in the evening. I wouldn't have agreed to spend the night there to avoid sleeping with him, I know it seems pathological, but that's how things worked for me then. Once at my destination, I wanted to go around so as not to be alone at home with him, not that I was sorry to be with him, quite the contrary! But I didn't know what I could expect and still felt too conditioned. We went around until lunchtime and I suggested that we go and eat somewhere, again so as not to stay at home with him, but he told me that he had brought his lunch from home and that the bag with provisions was in the trunk. I had no choice I had to agree to go home with him. It was winter and it was freezing cold, we turned on the stove but the cold was anyhow very strong. We heated up the cooked things and ate, then the little sun that was there went out and it was freezing, the cold was really strong. He went into the bedroom where there was a queen-sized bed, pulled out of the closet a large double feather quilt, as high as a mattress and also a large double wool blanket, he spread the wool blanket on the bed and the quilt on top, he took off his shoes and lay down on the bed, dressed as he was, and covered himself with the quilt, then he looked at me and said: “What are you waiting for? Come, you are dying of cold ... I don't touch you, at least we stay warm ... " I said to him: "Promised?" and he told me. “Promised!“ I took off my shoes and lay down under the quilt next to him. I felt actually at ease, but I kept my distance from him. He tells me: “But come closer, so we warm up better! We are fully dressed, but what are you afraid of? " Then I get a little closer, I feel his warmth, he turns to me and looks at me with his beautiful eyes and tells me: "I'm glad you didn't run away!" And I just tell him: "Shut up!"
Then he takes my hand and squeezes it, his is very hot, and he says to me: "Your hands are frozen, you are very cold, let me approach that I will warm you a little ..." So our first physical contact had been created, I felt the his warmth, he leaned against me. Every now and then he asked me: "Does it bother you?" And I said to him: “No…”. At one point he fell asleep. It was late afternoon and it was dark outside, but the light was on and I could see him very closely, he was serene, he totally trusted me. I let him sleep, then around seven I had to wake him up because we had to go back to the city. He stretched like a cat, then said to me: “Here it's fine and it's freezing cold outside… what if we leave in the morning? If we leave at 6.30 we can be at the university on time ... "I said to him:" Ok, but I have to tell home. " He said: "Me too." We called without getting out of bed, then he said to me: "What about dinner?" I replied: "We'll do without it, let's stay here, if it's fine for you" I said : "Ok, Fine". Then he started stroking my face and told me he felt my beard, then he ran his hand through my hair and put his fingers in my collar, I let him do it for a while, then I thought that he could go further and I reminded him that he promised me he wouldn't try to get further and he said: "Ok, but I didn't promise you wouldn't try it, I really like being stroked, stop it when you think you have to stop, ok? " And I said: "Ok!" We were really fine, warm, we had no other thoughts on our mind. I stroked his face and hair for a while, then, at a certain point he said to me: "My trousers are tight and they bother me,does it bothers you if I take them off? " I more or less expected something like this and I said to him: "Come on, I'm going to sleep in the other room, in the closet there is also another sleeping bag ...". Disappointed he replied: "I know there is ... but would you leave me here alone?" then he saw my face a little annoyed and added: “Okay, don't worry, I'll keep my pants on but don't go and get cold! I'm good at least as a stove! " I replied: "How stupid you are!" and he said: "I think you are the stupid ... but anyway ...". Then he approached me and said to me: "At least I can stay a bit like this?" I told him: "Sure!", He replied: "But if I'm bothering you, tell me it, you don't have to put up with me ... "I didn't know what to say and so I didn't say anything but I put my arm over his shoulders and he hugged me even more and just said:" Goodnight!"
This was the first night we spent together. I can say that I was extremely happy, feeling his warmth felt beautiful to me. Maybe the very fact that he didn't insist on getting to have sex with me started to defuse my weapons, if he tried to go further I would have felt almost compelled to say no, almost on principle, but he had not insisted and he hadn't even left slamming the door. I slept very little during that night. He was asleep next to me and he made me a very strong tenderness and it was a sexual tenderness, I could try to deny it, to sublimate, to pretend it wasn't like that, but it was so, and I began to realize it. I was wondering: “But why do I have to resist this guy? But what harm would it be if there was even a little sex between us? Why should I think it's better to say no to him for his own good? His good must be evaluated by him. If he's okay with it and me too, where's the problem? And then, the fact of being together in the same bed was a tender thing, ours was a love for each other, slowly I began to accept the idea, but I told myself that we had to proceed calmly, by successive stages, without rushing too much.
The next day the alarm went off at six o'clock, around it was still late at night, getting out from under the quilt was truly a trauma. He asks me: "How did you feel last night?" I tell him: "Very well", and he says to me: "Are we coming here again next Saturday?" and I nod my head yes, then he gives me wild eyes and begins to move towards me as if he wants to try a sexual approach, I raise my arms to defend myself and he just dishevels my hair and says to me laughing: "Are you scared? Don't be afraid, I'm a guy of my word!" I tell him: "Don't tease!" Then we leave. During the trip he resumes the conversation: "But next time without trousers ..." I stop him: "Don't tease!" and he tells me: "But I just say in order to be more comfortable. You have nothing to be afraid of, you can sleep in the other room and if you want you can also lock yourself inside!" The week went by with the usual rhythms: lessons and study, but I began to see in my brain what could happen the following weekend and I also began to make comparisons between those fantasies and my so-called moral principles. After all, we had done the tests, he seemed to really want to get there, why would I have to keep saying no to him? It no longer seemed obvious to me that sex could leave him something negative. I was fighting with myself or rather with the residues of my education, however, the more days passed the more I felt convinced that the following Saturday I would really take a decisive step.
Saturday arrived, I remember that in the morning I took a more thorough shower than usual, especially in the sex department, a sign that I considered at least probable the fact that something would happen between us on a physical level. I went to pick him up at his house and we left for the mountain. It was a typical cold winter day, I had chains in my car because, especially at night, the road could be frozen. When he got into the car I felt a breath of perfume more intense than usual and I thought that he too could have taken a much more thorough shower and this thought made me think of an undeclared form of complicity and made me smile. Throughout the journey he did not talk about, let's say, dangerous topics, but certain silences were too long and were not normal, as my usual I still avoided addressing the subject. We stopped for breakfast along the way, all wrapped up, and then resumed our journey. This time he had brought a large bag full of provisions that must have been enough for Saturday lunch and dinner and Sunday lunch. Given the day, not even the refrigerator would be needed, the arrangements were that we would return on Sunday afternoon to avoid the risk of icy roads.
Once we reached our destination we thought we were going for a walk in the village, but it was so cold and the wind was blowing so strong that a similar idea seemed completely absurd. We brought inside the supplies, but it didn't take long, then we started to feel frozen. It was still early, it wasn't even ten in the morning. We turned on the heat. The house was a typical mountain house, one of those with a low ceiling so as not to disperse the heat, but it was still freezing cold. He said to me: "I think I'm going to go to bed, otherwise I'll freeze." He pulled the blanket and quilt out of the closet, as he had done the week before.
Once the bed was made, he said to me: "Without trousers?" I looked at him with two fiery eyes and he replied: “Okay, okay! With trousers on! " Here I felt displaced, I would have liked him to insist and finally I would have given in, but he chose the soft way and avoided insisting and I was really upset and tried to fix it by adding: "Tonight without ..." He looked at me widening his eyes and made a sly face and just said "Wow! ... at least we are more comfortable ... "I looked at him and said:" Don't make fun of me! " He just said: "Well, in the meantime, come to bed now ..." We got into bed with our trousers on but now the qualms of the first time were gone, he came close to me and hugged me and we stayed like that for as long as it took to regain warmth, by now holding our hands and caressing us was something automatic and taken for granted. However, I noticed that the caresses, both hers and mine, even if they were insistent, stopped far away from the, let's say, more dangerous area. None of us wanted to take missteps. This time I felt no scruples of any kind, I behaved in a much more spontaneous way than usual even if not exactly 100% spontaneous, for me it was a very strange feeling, I was with another guy and I could behave spontaneously or almost, and he he corresponded to me, he understood me, he felt the same things as I did, I did not feel him as a different individual to fear and from which to keep at a certain distance anyway, I didn't feel worried about his presence, I was beginning to see sexuality in another way, that is, as a complicity, as a couple game and it was something that I liked a lot.
We were cuddling in the heat for a couple of hours and I felt really happy. Then it was time to get up to prepare lunch. It was literally a freezing moment. First I sat just a moment in bed, let's say, to cool the my boiling hormones, because I was erect and I didn't want to be seen like this, the cold air actually produced its effects in a very short time and then I got out of the bed and I put my windbreaker on, because it was terribly cold even inside the house, instead he waited a bit to get up and I didn't ask him why, even if I could have imagined it. I went to the kitchen and put my lunch in the microwave. In the meantime he got up and joined me in the kitchen and started making a whole pot of hot tea. After a few minutes the lunch was warmed up and we ate everything in 10 minutes. We had paper plates, so there weren't dishes to wash. And then to wash the dishes it would have been necessary to wait for the effects of the heating because the water did not flow in the pipes because it was frozen.
Outside it began to snow heavily. He told me: “Wi must hope it will stop soon, otherwise the road will freeze and we will not be able to return. However, here there is everything you need for survival for several days ... If tonight it snows a lot and tomorrow it is sunny you have to shovel the snow at least up to the car and from the car to the road. The car has antifreeze, so it should start again anyway, but we will need to put the chains on at least for the first 20 or 30 kilometers. " I ask him: "Is there TV here?", He says no,I ask him if there is internet and he tells me that there is, I tell him: "What do we do?" and he replies: "No choice, we go back to bed, ... without the trous ...". I don't let him finish the sentence and I look at him with eyes of fire, but more for fun than anything else and he replies: "But keeping your trousers on in bed is really uncomfortable ... it's just for that ... well ... and then look, I don't jump on you, you can stay almost sure… ". I tell him: "What does it mean to say almost?" And he replies: "That I leave it to you to take the first step ... anyway you promised that tonight we will go to sleep without trousers, do you remember?" I replied with a moan: "Mh ..." He insisted: "How did you say? I didn't understand ... "And I yelled at him:" Yes, but tonight ... "He didn't let go and continued: "But now it's already evening ... and then do we want to get up again to eat? Naaa! Once a day is enough!" I was very tempted and I said to him: "Ok, make the first move ... " He replied: "Wow! I proceed ... " He took off his pants staying under the quilt and threw them on the chair, then said: "Ah ... at least I'm comfortable!" Before doing my part I waited a while and I expected him to urge me to do it, but he didn't and he just said: "Believe me, so I'm much better ... if you take your trousers off, I don't jump on you, you'd be more comfortable, then if you are afraid, do as you want ... "
At this point I made a strange speech to him and I said: "Every now and then, but a little too frequently today, you tell me that you will not jump on me, damn it, what have I to deduce from it? I think I look really stupid or clumsy to you... "He replied : "Neither clumsy nor stupid, just a little braked ..." Then I too took off my trousers and threw them on the chair. Actually I felt much better this way. He asked me if I felt on duty, somehow compelled to do things I didn't want to do, and I firmly said no. He was two years younger than me and much less clumsy than me. Then he asked me: "Can I lean on you?" And I told him yes. We hugged and the physical contact was very strong, we held each other for a few minutes, then he shook my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine and he said: "It was really beautiful!" and I replied: “Yes, a very strong thing that I had never tried”.
We didn't sleep at night and it was the first time for us, we were very shy and cautious but all the thing was very engaging and very true. Once we were done with sex I was really happy but I realized that he was very melancholy. I didn't know what to do. I asked him how he felt and he told me he didn't know, that he had been fine but he had so many thoughts on his mind, a great confusion where there is everything from happiness to sadness. He had tears in his eyes. I asked him: “But is there something wrong? Did I do something wrong?" He looked at me and told me: “Don't talk, just hug me…” I hugged him and held him tight, but he was closed in his melancholy. Then he said to me: "Did you feel compelled in any way?" I replied: "Not at all ..." and I held him tighter, then he fell asleep in my arms.
Our story began so many years ago. In the following years, things got complicated for external reasons, there have never been real misunderstandings between us. He made me feel loved, important, he considered me a decisive element in his life, just as I considered him. I am in love with him today more than then because he is an exceptional man who spends himself on others, who has never gone after money, who is profoundly altruistic and is exactly the opposite of a careerist. He has achieved great successes in his work because he works hard but unfortunately he is also very stressed, I have often been his release valve, which honors me and fills me with happiness, but for some years he has been working abroad. I spend my holidays with him, but then in the rest of the year we can only meet in chat and for a limited time, because he has a thousand commitments.
He is a profoundly good man, with me he had a unique delicacy and respect, he loved me and showed it to me in a thousand ways. When I have some doubts about a choice, I ask myself how he would behave in the same situation and I try to do what he would do. Now he is still handsome, but we are no longer boys and clearly on a physical level both he and I, we are no longer those of twenty years ago, but I respect him as a man, I discovered many aspects of his personality that fascinated me. He is never aggressive, he is calm, he is very sweet and patient, he encourages me, supports me and allows me to do the same with him, sometimes he scolds me a little and tells me that I should be more open to understanding problems of the others, but it does not refer to his problems but to the problems of those who do not think like us.
There is only one point that really worries me and it is the fact that he is very stressed from work, sometimes, when we chat in the evening, and I would talk to him for hours, we are still forced to limit the time and many times I just tell him that I love him and he replies “Me too! If you weren't there, I wouldn't be nothing!" This sentence, even if it is not true, makes me feel proud. I hope that our life goes on like this for many years to come!!