11-22-2021, 11:40 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2021, 11:41 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project,
I'm not doing well today. I haven't heard from Enzo (actually his name is Lorenzo) for more than 15 days . I'm not sad, basically I know that sooner or later I will heard from him again and I also know that now he has so many important things to think about, so many things that worry him and worry him a lot. When we don't hear from each other for days we don't even send text messages, it has always happened like this. I’m not sad and, in a sense at least, I’m not afraid of losing him, I know well that in a few days I’ll hear from him again, it has happened so dozens of times. I’m not doing well because our relationship is not enough for me. I love him, obviously in my own way, and I also feel quite reciprocated, but I would like more from him. I wouldn’t simply want more, in the sense that if I found someone capable of giving me what I would like, I would feel at ease, I would like more from him, from him and from no one else. First of all I would like him more present but I know that I could ask him anything but this. Would I like to change his character? Well, as in many important things you want everything and the opposite of everything, I would like him to be always exactly like he is, but I would also like him somehow different, I know it's a contradictory discourse, but that's what I think. His silences are often long and make me feel bad, but on the other hand I look for him very rarely, because I think he doesn't have to feel constrained in any way, I would like him to realize that I need him. I know that he only needs me sometimes, for the rest he must feel free and I don't have to ask him any questions and for sure I don't ask him anything, but when he needs me, he admits it even if this makes him feel weak. He treats me with respect and more than respect, but he’s careful to strongly emphasize his autonomy. I have asked myself many times what he really thinks of me, I think that overall his opinion is positive, even if sometimes he tries to widen the distances and certainly not to reduce them. On the other hand, I have always encouraged him to do so, that is, to feel totally autonomous. He is not my boyfriend, he has his own very complicated affective-sexual world, of which I’m a part too, it is that world that somehow gives him a push to make him go on, his wellbeing as well as his feeling bad depend on that world. That world is the small nucleus of people who are important to him, I mean who are really important. With him concepts like boyfriend or couple are absolutely out of place, at the beginning he tried to adapt to it, but it was not for him, he lived it as a stretch, as an imposition. Enzo must be accepted as he is and I made my choice, because when he feels happy I feel happy too. He doesn’t think only of himself, he’s not at all selfish, if he cares about you, he really cares about it, but he doesn’t accept limitations to his freedom and wants to be accepted for what he really is, but when he esteems you and loves you he doesn’t let you go, he stays by you, he doesn't forget you, he considers you just like a part of his life, not an accessory or temporary element, he doesn't exclude you from anything, he trusts you. When we met, but not immediately, I began to understand his way of loving. At the beginning I felt terrible, I tried many times to cut ties with him but I never did it because he didn't let me, every time I tried and I started to give him my farewell speeches, to make him understand that I wanted to go away, he didn't stop me, he just said to me: "Okay ...", and he didn't seem upset in the least, then after a couple of weeks he would call me back as if absolutely nothing had happened, he was used to my goodbyes and didn't take them seriously, in reality they weren't goodbyes but a kind of periodic ritual confirmation and he had figured it out before I did. He never told me he wanted to get away from me. He never told me he was in love with me, but not even that he wanted to move away, he never made scenes of detachment, without saying too many words he simply assumed that there would be no detachment anyway. Even if in a limited way, he also talks to me a little about other people who are part of his very private world, to make me understand that that world exists, that he loves me, even if he doesn’t say so explicitly, but that world exists anyway and will not disappear, and obviously exclusivity is not part of his world. Before meeting him I had had other guys, a bit following the classic pattern of engagement and standard gay couple but it never worked, they said too many words, but I never came to understand what they really thought, they still acted on two levels, one of the things that can be said and another of those that cannot be said, and in the end I always found myself displaced because sooner or later something unexpected and unspoken came up, which was however decisive. It has never been like this with Enzo, he tells you everything, then leaves the decision to you, if you choose to stay with him you know there will be no surprises, that is, you know what you are going to encounter. At the beginning it is unsettling, because you cannot delude yourself and you must take note that the story will not be what you dreamed of, because at the beginning one has myths and fables of all kinds in his head, then you begin to understand the meaning of his way of being. I have understood for a long time that he cannot have an exclusive relationship with me, that is, I have understood that for him it is impossible, as far as I’m concerned, things are different, for me there is only Enzo, I would say I’m essentially monogamous, I want to be with him and in order to be with him I don't have to give up anything, he is naturally polygamous, accepting him it’s difficult but when you accept him you realize that it is a different balance but that it can work very well anyway. In his life I don’t feel marginal, I have a specific role and this fact has lasted for years, I understand if he is good or bad from the tone of his voice on the phone and when I understand that he is fine, I'm fine too, no matter why he is fine, he can also be fine because he made love in a satisfactory way with another guy, the important thing is that he is well, that his little world is capable of making him feel good. Enzo doesn’t act, he is simply himself. In the long run, this type of relationship is creating an almost family bond between us. Between us there is also sex, in appearance there is above all if not exclusively sex, but in reality sex is just a way to tell us that we love each other, or at least it is so for me, I tend to see him more as a brother than as a sexual partner. If there were no sex I would be sorry but I believe that, at least for me, nothing would collapse, however I think that sex is a very important component, because it was probably several times, at least at the beginning, the glue that prevented our relationship from dissolving. I have to say that the fact that he has sex with other guys creates two kinds of problems for me: first of all our sexual contacts are much less "technically sexual" than they were at the beginning, when he was trying to build a real couple relationship. This fact, paradoxical as it may seem, has caused a shift from technical sex to pampering, or rather from risky sex to pampering. Reducing, that is, practically eliminating risky behaviors was a decision that matured by itself, let's say that we both took it for granted and I think it is also a sign of common sense on the part of Enzo, who didn’t make problems. Psychologically, well, I can't deny it, but to think not only that he may have been in love with another guy in the past, but that he's presently in love with another guy, it embarrasses me a lot. I know his fantasies aren't all about me and that's not that easy to accept. Sometimes I imagine him in bed with another guy and such a thought upsets me a lot, but in the end this is his nature, if you want to be with Enzo it can only work if you accept that things are so, otherwise you have to find another guy who goes looking for the classic life as a gay couple, but you have to put Enzo apart. If I have to choose between Enzo and his polygamous relationships and another guy in a classic gay couple, well, I prefer to keep Enzo, because there is a real feeling with him. I have never felt betrayed by him, but by others I did. He doesn't use to make promises and speaks clearly, the others made fantastic promises but then the facts didn’t correspond to the words. We haven't spent years of life together, but we have lived through several significant moments of our lives together. I know very well that he will never be all mine but in the end that's not what matters, I remember seeing him in moments when he felt really terrible and really broken, now it's a long time that he's been all in all not so bad, now he makes plans and looks to the future with a positive outlook. Sometimes I think he will do great things, which are already beginning to materialize, and I’m afraid that he can go to work far away, this would be his realization but in a sense it would also be destructive for me and for that small world that is Enzo’s vital drive, and this scares me. Even if our relationship is partial, I wouldn’t want to lose him, I would really be sorry, my life would be much grayer and I think that for him too it would be a form of sudden and violent uprooting, but it is also true that there are trains and planes and that probably nothing would collapse, but that episodic contact that exists now would also be lost and it would be a blow to both of us. Our it’s a real, direct, personal contact, not via the internet. Falling in love is beautiful, but tremendously difficult.