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Hi Project,

every time I talk to my ex-boyfriend my brain gets agitated and I start thinking about a thousand things. My ex is an honest guy, he's good inside, he has his problems unresolved, but we all have them, we've been separated for a few years now but we've never lost touch. When he calls me, I listen to him with the greatest attention and try to answer as seriously as possible. When he talks to me, he has the habit of taking long breaks, that is, the talk begins, then he stops for a few seconds (not very few) to put the ideas back together and answer me in a strictly pertinent way, then he starts talking again. I feel his effort to tell the truth and understand what I want to convey to him. Honestly, I'm glad that everything is not finished between us, because this means that he has not kept a negative memory of me. Things didn’t work between us, or rather they worked to a certain extent, but then there were misunderstandings. Today, after some time, I have to say that those misunderstandings seem to me much less significant and somehow I realize that I was scared by things that actually didn’t have anything special, though, I must say, his behavior and his way of seeing things have changed over the years. I, after him, remained alone and he exactly the same. Sometimes I begin to think about the end of our story and it seems to me only the result of a series of misunderstandings dependent on each other, a kind of chain of events, which once started becomes uncontrollable and that ultimately led us to split up, although in fact there was no serious reason to do so. I understand that you can leave your boyfriend if there is another story that is being born, because you cannot be with two guys at the same time, but when we broke up, he didn’t have another boyfriend and neither did I. So why throw everything away?

I had the impression that he could feel conditioned, perhaps less free, that once the initial enthusiasm had passed he perceived the transformation of our relationship into a routine, and for this I felt obliged to talk with him explicitly. He, in turn, interpreted my concerns as a diplomatic way of telling him that maybe I got tired of him and then he thought it was his duty not to make me feel tied up and give me a chance to get out. The idea that the speeches of the other were not entirely authentic but hid other motivations, much less altruistic, ended up conditioning our discourses and, step by step, we started to move away both thinking that it were the only thing to do, but this, always taking for granted that it was the other person who wanted to end the relationship. Even the moment of detachment, let's call it so, definitive was in fact very particular, no resentment and on the part of both the feeling of having fulfilled a duty for the good of the other. After the separation we both missed each other, but we both held our positions firm, thinking that going back would be trying to tie the other. But what usually happens between the former partners of a separate couple didn’t happen between us: we have continued to stay in touch, not like boyfriends, not like a couple, but not even like mere friends. It was clear that there was an important relationship between us, as far as I am concerned I have no doubts at all, and as far as he is concerned, the thing has been evident. However, we didn’t get to get together again, just to not condition each other. Perhaps our relationship really needed to reorganize as it is now, without constraints, without obligations or formality, maybe the problem was not between us, but it consisted in the fact that we had in mind a model of couple relationship that had little to do with us, an almost matrimonial model, which in fact could not stand. Are we a couple? Are we an open couple? Frankly I don’t believe either one thing or the other, we simply love each other and up to this moment our freedom has not only not destroyed, but has strengthened our relationship. I cannot say if there is love between us, certainly there was, but perhaps now it remains above all a deep affection, mutual respect, a feeling that we can trust one another. He tried with other guys, but in the end he could not build anything lasting with anyone, sometimes he even fell in love deeply, but he was not reciprocated. He often talked to me about his disappointments and even his enthusiasms, he knew very well that I would not feel jealousy but that I would think only of his happiness. I asked myself many times how I would react if he could sooner or later build a strong and exclusive love story, in the sense that he would get to forget me too. Sometimes I think that such a thing cannot happen, other times I think it would be hard to get used to the idea of not hearing him anymore, but then, in the end, I would give up if I saw him happy. We are not so young, Project, we are now over 35, and at our age we begin to feel the need for stability. Project, there's another thing I didn’t tell you but I think it's important, I'm not healthy, even though I'm not old, I have many physical problems, which don’t condition me too much at the moment, but I foresee that over the years my problems can become serious problems. A bond of stable couple would force my ex to become a carer and this would ruin his life. I never talked about these things with him, because the only time I tried it he became terribly melancholy and I had to change subject. Something leads me to think that he too is not in good health and that he tends not to show it, and I think he too can have a fear very similar to mine. Maybe coming back together we could really live better both by overcoming our psychological brakes. What do you think, Project?

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