04-20-2021, 02:25 AM
Hi Project, I read the last post (NOT JUST GAY SEX http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-...st-gay-sex) and I can say that I found it very interesting. I have tried for years to build a gay couple let's say classic way, but I have only registered failures, some immediate, and they were the least devastating, and others after “years”, and the consequences were really heavy, at least in terms of self-esteem. At first I was extremely selective and I said no to many guys for reasons that seemed sensible to me, but which turned out to be very stupid but very difficult prejudices to dispel. I'm over 40 now, a few more than 40, and for a while I have changed my mentality, not only do I no longer make selections from the beginning, but I no longer look for guys, that is, I no longer make the first move, if I can interest someone, well, otherwise I can anyway live alone, I have my friends and my world and I live well anyway.
In practice, for some years now I have been trying to explore the terrain only with those who really care about me, or at least who seem to really care, so the field narrows a lot. Before I was very complex about sex, a bit fixed that sex should be something reserved only for a strong, special relationship, let's say total, then I began to accept the idea that sex is basically also a means to create human contacts that, in the end, can also have different implications, I mean also affective ones. It is not easy to understand immediately what will came next, it takes time, patience and I ended up accumulating some experience in this department.
Before, if a guy stressed too much the value of sex, I pushed him away, I almost ostracized him, now I wonder where he will go, that is, if it will all end there or there will be something else, but I don’t stop him. Sex between adults more or less my age, at least with those with whom I have felt really comfortable (actually maybe only two, to be wide, but I should rather say only one), seems to me a very different thing from as I saw it twenty years ago. Then there were a thousand expectations, a thousand projections, I saw sex as the culmination of the relationship with a guy, the non plus ultra, then there were a thousand dreams, now it is no longer like this, sex seems to me an ordinary aspect of life, all in all exceptional only because in fact it is not very frequent, but certainly not shocking.
I have had a partner for three years, we don't live together and we don't have anything like this planned, he has had a much more intense sex life than mine but all in all rather disappointing. We met by chance in the gym, nothing spicy, all very mundane, or apparently very mundane. Our gym is large, with multiple rooms, but has a small parking lot and cars need to be parked tightly. One day, when I had to leave, I couldn't maneuver because there was a badly parked car. I went to the instructors and they said they would call the owner of that car right away. Two minutes later Massimo shows up (I'll call him that), immediately moves the car and I leave the parking lot, we say goodbye only with a nod, not even a word.
In the following days we exchanged some nod of greeting from a distance but in practice I was about to forget about that episode. One evening he calls me on the phone, I don’t recognize his voice, because we had never spoken, he tells me that he is the one who had blocked my car in the parking lot and invites me to a party (he would have turned 37 [two years younger than me] in a few days), I thank him but I tell him that I will not go there, because I don't know any of his friends and I don't even know him. I understand from the tone of his voice that he was upset, but the phone call ends there. I wondered why he had invited me, because in fact there was no valid reason to do so, and I also wondered who had given him my number, because I had not given it to him, evidently he had asked my instructor and, just as evidently, he knew my name. The thing, in itself it was already at least unusual, but at that time I didn't pay any attention to it.
When we meet again in the gym we exchange a few words, he doesn't even mention the phone call, but somehow the ice is broken and there is a minimum of conversation. He tells me that I’m in shape (and in fact I have always played sports), then he asks me for advice on training and here I involuntarily give him another freeze, I tell him that he can ask the coaches for such things because they know them much better than me. He only answers me with an okay, he smiles and greets me, but without the face of a beaten dog. On his birthday I call him to wish him good wishes, he is visibly happy, but I don't take it too long, because for me it's just a gesture of courtesy. The following week, on leaving the gym, he asks me if I would like to take a pizza with him, I "have nothing better to do" and I say yes. We go to Pizzeria, then I take him back to his house, because we had gone with my car and in greeting me he shakes my hand for a few seconds too long, looks at me right in the eyes and says: "Thank you!" I answer him: "See you soon, then!"
I was beginning to notice him. The handshake had been warm, strong, the smile was beautiful, spontaneous, nothing forced or constructed. I began to wonder who Massimo was, but faithful to my intention to play only in return, I avoided asking too many questions and I thought: "If they are roses they will bloom!"
The next few days I began to look at him more carefully and notice that he was really a handsome guy. Guys who run after me I have had many, and in the vast majority of cases I didn't really like them, I always found in them some note out of tune, either on a physical or character level. The next week I was expecting him to invite me again for a pizza together but nothing similar happened. I was disappointed, I had taken badly what seemed to me at least a rudeness, I was expecting the invitation, in the end I said to myself: “But how is it possible that you continue to behave like a teenager at the first experience? He doesn't care about you! "
But in the gym every now and then there was a contact of glances, and they were very special moments, very emotionally charged. I have never met him in the locker room or under the showers and I thought that the fact was not accidental, that is, that he avoided me on purpose, or rather that he deliberately avoided being with me in moments like those. The following Thursday he invites me again to have a pizza with him and I'm really happy with it. This time we go with his car, he tells me that he is a computer scientist in an import-export company, I tell him that I’m an engineer who deals with road construction and we talk a little about technical things, then we leave in the car, I think he will take me straight to my house, but it doesn't happen that way, he pulls over to one side along the road and asks me: “Is everything clear to you? Did you understand? ... "I answer him: "I think I understand ..." he asks me: "Are you worried?" I answer him: "Not at all ..." There the first physical contacts arrived, but very superficial and hesitant, also because the situation didn’t allow anything different.
It was all very short, more like a way of saying: "Ok, we can try ...", then he started the engine again and took me home, but we were talking in the car for a couple of hours before to say goodbye, and I understood something more about him, and he about me. He's a handsome guy, and I like him, but he must have had a difficult life in his family, because he sees family, his family, as a trap. At the time, however, I didn't understand much, I understood that there were problems but I didn't understand which ones. The contacts in the gym remained minimal, while on our own, in private, we had found our balance centered on sex, what I would never have imagined for my part, it was a bit the opposite of what I had always done. but it seemed to me the most obvious and natural choice. He told me from the beginning that we had to feel free, that there should be no pacts between us, neither said nor unspoken, we stay together while it lasts, as long as it is spontaneous, then it will be what it will be. He said that loving each other doesn't have to be a trap, the same word he used for his family.
I believe that he has never had the opportunity to be himself, that is, to feel free, with anyone. When he is with me I see him at ease, by now he considers the fact of being with me as an obvious thing, which no longer causes him negative reactions, which in the early days there were sometimes and I never understood why, just as if at the same time he wanted to be there and not be there. Our relationships are not routine but are now an established fact, not a bond or worse an obligation, but simply a fact.
We both live alone, but neither of us has evet thought that we could live together, or at least that we could try such a thing in the short term. Our freedom is stronger than any bond, and this doesn’t mean that there is no bond between us, but that that bond is free, it seems a contradiction, but it is not, it is not a rule or a contractual duty but what we feel instinctively every day. The fact that I go to his house to have sex or that he comes to my house is now a fact, but slowly we have gone from just having sex to doing a thousand other things, listening to music, cooking together, cleaning the house together, go shopping. We have only given ourselves a rule that was not there before but then slowly we felt the need of: when we are together we turn off our mobile phones, because that evening together must belong just to us. Sometimes he stays to sleep at my house or I at his house, but it is not a foregone conclusion or in any way expected.
There was only one situation in which I felt terribly embarrassed and that was when he told me that the day before he had talked for a long time with someone who works with him and that perhaps he was falling in love with him. This fact knocked me out, at least at that moment. He noticed it and didn't try to say that it was an insignificant story, far from it, he claimed his freedom, he just told me that I knew it could happen, and in reality it was so. After that day I didn't hear from him for almost a month, then he showed up again, as if nothing had happened, he just said to me: "Are you there tonight?" I said yes to him and he greeted me saying: "So see you tonight." In the evening he said to me: "I had believed in him but maybe he wasn't the right person, it may well be that I will review him, I don't know, it may be, but now let's think about us… ”And so our story restarted exactly where it had been interrupted, because in the end it had never stopped. The only thing he said to me was: "Anyway I'm clean, I took the test."
In Massimo's way of experiencing sex, I was always amazed by the total absence of acting and worries about my reactions, he was always extremely direct, he expressed his desires without complexes. At first he was very insistent, but then little by little this way of doing things vanished, I think he understood me better and that he also began to appreciate my way of experiencing sexuality. At first the differences between us were bigger, but then I too began to understand his sexuality better. Now, with him I feel safe, I have the distinct impression that it is a very serious thing. The fact that he can claim his freedom doesn’t discourage me, and then it would not be betrayal anyway, he has never done things secretly and I think he has a good opinion of me and that he also feels safe when he is with me. He is a man who doesn’t make fun of you, who speaks little, this is his great merit, the things he says are thought out, he doesn’t let himself be carried away by the moods of the moment, he always maintains a rational attitude, he is a reliable adult on whom you can to count.
What is Massimo for me? Eh ... I really don't know how to define him, but what need is there to give definitions? Our logic, I say both mine and his, which are very similar, completely disregards traditional categories. It took us a long time to learn to think for ourselves, we made a lot of mistakes but in the end we succeeded. We don’t care that others understand and approve of us, our way of seeing sex and life in general doesn’t want to be a model for anyone, it is just our model, simply because it works for us and I want to add that what others consider like instability, compromise and in practice a forced adaptation, for us it is just an expression of love, of mutual understanding. Many have told us that we are strange, that we say weird things that can't work, but they work for us.
When I’m in bed with him and I lean on him and I feel his warmth I don't ask myself first if it will be forever, if I have the exclusive or something like that, I just feel that he is there and this gives me so much strength, and it really helps to live. We also made mistakes, there were misunderstandings, but they didn’t last long and it was clear from the start that they wouldn’t be destructive. He never got angry about the nonsense I told him, when it was needed he scolded me very firmly but he did it with love and I felt that love. When you have a man close to you who loves you and that feeling is mutual, you don't ask yourself questions because you already have the answers.