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GAY COUPLE BEYOND MYTH
#1
Hello Project, 
I wrote you the first time in January 2016, and I told you my story, I was then 36 years old and I had been for four years with a guy 31 years old, whom I will call Luca. I had exposed to you some of my doubts, which seemed small to me, and I felt myself a great man in not giving value to those doubts and in wanting to go on anyway for my boyfriend's sake, I felt generous, somehow superior to the calculations and the meanness of the world. You replied to me with an email that baffled me greatly. In general you tend to see the positive in the stories, even in those, let's say so, more anomalous, and my story had very little of anomalous, it was just the classic story of the gay couple, and yet you used very harsh tones and that, I tell you honestly,  bothered me. I report below a section of your email of January 16, 2016.
 
"In your couple relationship apparently there is everything there must be: there is engaging sex (perhaps) but without tenderness, there is a lot of reciprocal freedom (at the limit of disinterest), there is some emotional blackmail too, and there is no cohabitation, which I think would bring all the things just mentioned to an explosive level. 

Luca tells you that you depress him, that talking to you makes him feel bad, you are looking for an outlet in talking to him, but he considers you a burden, he wants to follow his path and he blames you for not taking care of him, but sorry if I ask you, but are you really sure you love him? That you love him as he is? I think you built a kind of mask on him, maybe you fell in love with that mask. Excuse me if I speak clearly, but I don't see a real couple story between you.
 
I think that you have very little interest in your couple life and on the other hand, not everyone is born for such things, and he,  is interested in having a partner who does what he wants, as he wants, more than in having a partner with whom to share life. In essence, there is no common project."
 
Reading this passage made me feel a very strange sensation, on the one hand I rejected it, it seemed ungenerous to Luca, but for the other, over time, I began to find it somehow true. There was never an opportunity to test the relationship with a true coexistence and I began to wonder if I really wanted that coexistence that would perhaps have caused contradictions to break out.
 
When I used to see Luca in order to have sex with him, things were going well, if we want to say so, even if there were a lot of forcing, but things were acceptable above all because we didn't talk at all or almost at all. When he couldn't come to my house or I had big family problems or work problems, we chatted on the phone and there, inevitably the contradictions started to come out and there it started to come to mind that maybe I would have been better alone and that I was stuck in a street in which I didn’t feel at ease and from which I wouldn’t have get rid anymore. Then the recriminations began, first just hinted at, then more and more explicit, he told me that I have no mettle that I never answer in a clear way, that I play a double game, that I always look for ways out, that I’m not really involved, and in the end that basically I don't love him. 
 
Thursday evening, after a very long and terrible phone call in which the mutual misunderstandings really exploded, he told me that he would cancel my numbers and he wouldn't call me anymore, I told him he had to do it really, because I can only do damage and we have closed the phone this way. At the time I felt a sensation of unimaginable lightness. I thought that over time I would have missed Luca, but, at least until today, it has not happened and I begin to wish that the story is really over. Because at other times, after similar scenes, things started again.
 
At the moment I feel a feeling of freedom "from" rather than freedom "of". I have no desire to be with anyone, I want to enjoy my being alone, my free time, the absence of long and harassing phone calls, the absence of accusations of inconsistency and disaffection. And I start to think that when I said I was in love with Luca, I really didn't care much about him.
 
Do I feel gay? Yes, somehow yes, but in a very superficial way, today I think that I wouldn’t sacrifice my freedom for anyone. I paid my tribute to the myth of the gay couple but now I just left the cage. It was an experience that made me mature. From today onwards, gay friends yes, much better if already as a couple, friends to talk a little with, to drink a beer, and then to go back alone to my house. The idea of sharing life with someone I see it very far from me. Even sex somehow stewed me, but what's its use? The straight sex, in some cases may be useful to have children, but the gay one ends up being a fetish to which a lot of fundamental things are sacrificed. Gay sex is good to dream about, at least in dreams there are no problems, but looking for a guy to have sex with, or simply having sex with him is something I experienced and that has lasted years, but that, seen through the eyes of now, seems really absurd to me.
 
Project, you talk about love, but does it exist? It doesn’t even make sense to ask questions, because the answers have nothing objective but only reflect individual experience and are as vague as experience.
 
I tell you  something that came to my mind: it would nice if there were gay couple relationships without sex, this way things would probably work. It seems ridiculous, I know, anyway, today as today, I would rather prefer a serious friendship than a couple relationship in which sex has a fundamental role.
 
One thing I didn’t understand: how did you predict, three years ago, that my story was going to an end?
If you want you can publish the email, which doesn’t violate anyone's privacy.
I wish you the best.
A.M. 
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