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GAY ONLY WHEN I MASTURBATE
#1
Hello Project, it is very difficult for me to write this letter but I read many things you wrote and I think you can give me a serious answer. I am a 22 years old guy, I feel realized under many profiles: study, friends, etc., people tell me I'm a nice guy, I think about the average, I have a girlfriend for three years and I have a sexual life with her, we make love more or less every week, things work in the sense that I've never had erection problems or anything like that. I don’t take the initiative, I expect her to do it, so I feel at ease, now it has been happening this way for years. At the beginning there was a lot of the curiosity about the sex itself or rather the letting go because in fact it was she who fell in love with me, I felt at the center of her attention and her desires and the things went on by themselves even if I never felt a real sexual desire, that is, when we were away from each other for a long time, I missed her company, I missed her intimacy, but not sex as such. 

But after reading your posts, I confess that I have had several doubts because, even if in fact I never considered it an important thing, in practice since always, when I masturbate I imagine sexual situations involving "even" guys and lately it is as if that “even” had become essential. In my fantasies there are women but, let's say so, they are always less fundamental, it is as if they were an excuse that allows me to be in sexual situations with other guys and, in fact, the thing that excites me most in these fantasies is just that climate of complicity that is created with the other guys, a bit the idea of doing something sexual together, of doing it with a girl, but of doing it with other guys, as if the thing done only with the girl lost meaning. 

It happened to me about a month ago to dream of a similar situation, that is to dream of being together with a guy talking about sex (sex done with girls) but for me the important thing was to hear that guy talking about sex, it was an exciting thing up to orgasm and I noticed that orgasm arrived thinking of the guy and not of the girl. 
 
In the days after the dream, which shocked me a lot, I started to masturbate thinking exclusively of a guy and it was really spontaneous, it was not a test, but with my girlfriend nothing has changed, I haven’t had sexual problems with her even if I didn’t tell her anything about the dream or masturbation thinking about a guy.
 
On the other hand, even before, in my fantasies there were some guys even though always, so to speak, the strictly sexual content was focused or at least seemed focused entirely on the girl. In short, with my girlfriend nothing has changed, but inside me something has changed, I cannot deny it, I told myself that in the end I could also be bisexual and that it wouldn’t be a tragedy, but the fact remains that I have never fallen in love with a guy, at least until now, and I cannot imagine myself exchanging tenderness with a guy as I do with my girlfriend. That is, it is as if now I was bisexual, or rather I was gay but only when I masturbate. 

I play sports since I was a kid, I often see other naked guys but this doesn’t make me any effect, now I see those things without any sexual halo and I'm just indifferent. I have many friends with whom I feel very free in behavior but they all are straight and basically I think I'm straight too and I never had sexual fantasies of any kind about my male friends (but not even about my female friends) sometimes I think that in sexual matters I need someone to take the initiative as happened with my girlfriend and I think I would go after easily. I don’t have the vocation of the conqueror but of the conquered, even if I’m 100% male. 

If I have an affective desire about guys it is to be courted by a guy, to become the center of his attention, I think that in a similar situation I would also end up melting up completely . . . or maybe not, I don’t know. But can you be gay only in masturbation? It's important, of course, but I don’t think it's enough, that is, in the end you have to fall in love with a guy. Maybe it has not happened to me yet and it's just a matter of time, but I don’t know what to think, I don’t know whether I want it to happen or not, because if it happens I would find myself in terrible embarrassment with my girlfriend who knows nothing about these things and maybe it is good that she doesn’t know them. I absolutely don't think about looking for gay environments and just sending you this mail requires me to overcome a terrible embarrassment. I’m waiting for your response. If you want, publish the email, because I have kept on the generic and then you can publish it. 

Sando
 
Comment by Telemachus

Very interesting reflections by this guy. Let's say that all of us have asked ourselves these questions. But if there is something that has caught my attention is the tranquillity with which this guy is facing his doubts and his questions. Usually the issues related to sexuality and affectivity are accompanied by a high and unhealthy load of anxiety and despair, combined with the rush to self-define in some way just to get out of the limbo of uncertainty. 

Here, however, this guy seems to have a solid and appreciable starting point, that is a considerable dose of serenity with which to relate to these reflections, combined with the awareness of having to look at sexuality as one, but not the only space of realization of the person. So the attitude of the guy in his mail makes me feel a good impression, because apart from a bit of understandable amazement and fear of these news that have obviously affected him, he doesn’t seem to be carried away by drama or fears or existential concerns that wouldn’t do anything else but unnecessarily confuse his introspection and the fixed points to which he can arrive. 

On the other hand, these reflections are important but also abstract: one can ask a thousand questions on how he can formally circumscribe his own feelings, but there will always be that gap between such reflections and the concrete relationships with others that prevents to be able to proclaim definitive rules on oneself.

In my opinion, finally you can say "I'm gay" or "I'm straight" or "I'm bisexual" or "I'm gay only when I masturbate" etc. etc. this is not so fundamental. As much as it can be rewarding to find a "frame" in which to insert your sexual orientation (and I admit that such an "introspective result" can actually be satisfactory because it allows you to file a doubt perhaps with relief but also with all due simplifications of the case), we must not forget that it will have its own meaning only if it will be carried out in relation to a particular person who becomes too special for us to allow us to take care of general and abstract reflections.
 
Comment by Project.

I start from what Telemachus says, which I basically agree with. I often talk to guys who are approaching the idea of being gay step by step and who remain with a thousand doubts in mind until they have their first true gay love story. Many, I would say most, like Sando, come to the awareness of being gay after passing through the awareness of not being wholly heterosexual, precisely through the dichotomy between the couple sexuality that remains hetero even if it is not lived in a very engaging way and masturbation that gradually assumes increasingly marked gay connotations. 

I must say that this path affects the vast majority of that 30/35% of gays who have had a straight sex life and is essentially a rather typical picture. Actually, in the case of Sando, none of the classic complications that accompany this process is present and here we have to open a parenthesis. Sexuality, all sexuality, even the hetero one, can only really be experienced without problems when there is an adequate solid background from the emotional point of view and a consistent measure of self-esteem. I had the opportunity to talk privately with Sando and I can say that he has a very nice relationship with his parents and among other things he was lucky to have parents who love each other and has seen a serious emotional attitude between them since childhood. 

Sando grew up peaceful, without absurd taboo and at 22 has a maturity that many don’t even reach at 40. A bit it’s his merit but in large part it's due to his family that created a favorable environment. Speaking with him I could understand that the family probably would not cause him any problem due to his being gay and that his father must have realized that the story with his girlfriend is not really an overwhelming love for Sando, and did him understand that if the story were to end he would not be astonished. Probably the father doesn’t suspect that his son can be gay nevertheless he often repeats: "in those things you have to do always and only what you feel without caring about what others think!" 

Starting from the assumption that there were no pressures of any kind on the part of family members or forms of parents' intrusion with attempts to institutionalize and channel the relationship with the girl towards a marriage solution, Sando felt essentially free to follow his drive, which is something of great value. 

At the moment he is not able to evaluate, let's say so, the completeness of his being gay because he lacks the fundamental element of living a true gay relationship, and the fear, from what I can understand, is not that this relationship arrives, but it is precisely the fear that this relationship may not arrive. And this is precisely why Sando is uncertain about leaving the girl. I add one thing. Sando tried to read up and understand very seriously what it means to be gay and has a very serious and realistic idea of homosexuality, in essence he feels it like something that belongs to him, but is afraid that the jump that will lead him to a shared love story  can never be accomplished, because the social environment in which he lives certainly does not favor it.  

In practice in his being gay he would have the support of the family but only in private and for him to live a gay relationship with an absolutely minimal visibility would be very risky. He is currently very busy in his studies and is projected towards the idea of moving far away from his region and living and working in a big city, even if for all this it will take years. I think he is following the right path and I really hope he can find what he wants. Come on Sando!! 
 
Comment by Pavloss 

The reflection of the guy is interesting for me too. If on the one hand it reminds me of my past, in which I began to understand myself, on the other it reminds me of the difference with him: I understood, yes, but with a lot of anxiety, an anxiety from which I slowly liberated over time. Reflection suggests that there is a "given" nature in the human being, a psychological-affective-sexual nature that emerges slowly, in front of the environmental solicitations and the circumstances of life. 

The person tries to be fully himself but he don't succeed immediately; it takes time to discover the "design" that is written within himself, so that all vital centers are activated and present in the human consciousness. This implies an evidence: it is not the idea of oneself that prevails and precedes one's own nature, but it is the latter that can give us a rather precise idea of what we are, slowly over time. 

Often the idea of oneself with which one wants at all costs to conform one's nature, creates dramas, tensions, feelings of guilt: "I must be in a certain way and I am not as I would like!" These are things I have known and certainly I was not the only one to follow this twisted path that can be summarized in the (im)moral saying: "We must be as we think otherwise we end up thinking as we are." Idealism that violates nature. On the other hand, when nature is allowed to speak, things are different. The important thing is that this guy can find a way to positively expand his reality, building himself as a mature and responsible person in a true and rewarding relationship.
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