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FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE GAY GUY WHO DELIVERS PIZZAS
#1
Hello Project, 

I read several emails you published in the forum and some have been really enlightening for me and have helped me not to feel like a rare animal. I realize that the situations I am experiencing, even if they have nothing standard, are much less rare than I believed.
 
I am 35 years old, I have dedicated my life especially to study and work, because I inherited from my parents the idea that a minimum of economic security is essential to build one's life. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, with them I have never spoken explicitly about my being gay, but if they are not stupid they should have understood it for themselves, because they have never seen me with a girl, I have no friendships with girls, I never go to the disco, etc. etc.. I think that my father, in particular, has understood, because he never told me to find a girl, on the contrary, my mother still tells me it from time to time. So, all in all, the situation at home never created problems for me. On the other hand I have never brought home guys, I had my experiences, for the truth minimal, but I never had a guy or as people say today a boyfriend, an expression that I cannot stand at all, but the thing is a bit complex and I think you'll understand it better by reading this mail.
 
I'm not a good looking guy, I'm a guy we can say normal, but my flaws are many, I'm not thin or tall, I'm not athletic, I don’t have blue eyes or blond hair, indeed, to tell the truth, when I look in the mirror I don’t consider myself attractive at all. I can also say that I have never really been looking for a guy because I think that seeking doesn’t make any sense, it is not like hunting, I can simply say that I have paid attention to any possibilities but such possibilities never arrived (here too I say it with reserve), and I can say that I never really worried about it.
 
The story I am about to tell you seems like a novel but it is not at all, it is the simple account of what happened. One evening, I came home late from work, I hadn’t done the shopping and I had the fridge empty, I called a pizzeria that deliveries at home and I ordered a pizza.
 
After half an hour a guy arrived to deliver it. When I opened the door I was struck by lightning. I found myself in front of a beautiful guy, just a bit shabby, probably because very tired. I felt embarrassed, I gave him 20 euros, he was going to give me the change, but I waved indicating that I didn't want any change, he smiled and went away. That apparition had been very short but it had upset me, I wanted to know something more about that guy but it was clear that I had no means to do it. The next day I ordered another pizza at about the same time, it was the least I could do, but a middle-aged man came to deliver it, I cannot deny that I was disappointed, but I didn’t give up, the next day I ordered another pizza but also this time the beautiful guy was absent, exactly a week after our first meeting, I remember well that it was Wednesday, I ordered a pizza again and the guy reappeared in all his glory, also this time very tired but always beautiful.
 
Also the scene of the tip was quite the same, but this time he told me that the tip was not needed, I told him I had always done so and he replied "Mh ... ok." I asked him in what days he was in charge of making deliveries and he answered me on Wednesday and sometimes on Saturday, then he left. Obviously my question made a spark lighten in his head and maybe I was a bit naive and exposed myself too much. However since then I ordered pizzas only on Wednesdays and Saturdays. On Wednesdays he was always there, on Saturdays more or less twice out of three times. One Saturday night he came, delivered the pizza and then, because out it was raining cats and dogs, he asked me if he could wait at home till the next order. The request seemed to me unusual, but was welcomed by me with enthusiasm. I brought him a fruit juice, we talked a bit of his work, then he told me that he was a university student and was about to graduate discussing a thesis on a very difficult subject of which I didn’t understand anything at all.
 
He was almost 30 years old even if he seemed much younger, so he was late with his studies, but had a job and maintained himself. The conversation didn't last long because the call for the next order arrived. Over the course of the week, the guy, who was called Paul, began to spend the waiting time between one call and the other at my home, and so, perhaps in dribs and drabs, our conversation went on. One evening he told me something completely unexpected: "Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked him the reason for that question and he told me: "From your books and from all the way you do it’s evident that you are gay and that you don’t have a boyfriend", but he hurried to tell me that instead he had a boyfriend, as if he were telling me not to put in my head strange ideas. I opened my arms and said, "Ok, I'm glad, but for me it does not change anything!" Well, actually it was not exactly like that even if in fact our strange relationship had not changed at all, sometimes he came to my house carrying his laptop, which was really monstrous, then began to bring home books and leave them at my house, sometimes the intervals between an order and the next lasted over an hour and he started to work on his thesis, One evening I asked him if he had eaten and he said no, so I prepared a very quick dinner and we had dinner together.
 
Unfortunately, the times of our relationship were very slow because we could meet only two days a week, on Wednesdays and Saturdays, but even with such relaxed times we got to know each other better. He was a really remarkable guy, I respected him a lot, he told me his story, he told about his current boyfriend and those he had had before, I listened to him and I didn’t know what to say, I realized that he had a very rich and complex emotional life, much richer than mine. He always kept himself at a certain distance from me, didn’t give me too much confidence, we used to speak very seriously but he tended to point out that he had his life. Slowly I adapted to the idea of being just the friend of Wednesday and Saturday night, something that, if in some ways was not exciting, but on the other hand defined precise boundaries and didn’t feed false expectations.
 
One evening he told me that the date of the discussion of his degree thesis had been fixed and that he would like me to go to assist but, he added, "I don’t know you ... because there's also my boyfriend and other people and I don’t like questions or chatting" I told him I would pretend not to know him. The day of the discussion I came there three hours early, he was in the waiting room together with other undergraduates, I saw from a distance his boyfriend who leaved place for the other friends, standing anyway close to him, of course I didn't introduce myself and kept me at a distance. There was more or less a discussion every hour, about 45 minutes of discussion and then 10 minutes for the commission behind closed doors and then the proclamation arrived. Paul was calm, he wasn’t dressed like a manager like everyone else, he was dressed like every day, he hadn’t cut his hair for the occasion and had the usual tired air. His turn arrived. The relator exposed a short presentation of the thesis and then he let Paul speak. The subject was completely unknown to me but I saw the professors of the commission listening very carefully.
 
At the end of the exposition, one of the professors proposed a very particular subject, he was somehow insinuating that Paul hadn't took that subject into account, but Paul answered as a true scientist, he began with a "You pose a fundamental question to which I have long sought an answer" then he started a projection related to a very recent experiment and developed his own theory in this regard. In the end, the professor who had proposed the question concluded: "Very interesting, I would like to deepen the subject with you, because what you say is original but also very concrete." After other brief, more formal speeches, Paul was sent back to the waiting room and the commission retired in the council chamber. Five minutes later Paul received his degree with honors. He was happy but not excited, he passed near me but didn’t say hello, his friends hug him and then they all went away together. Paul's work life didn’t change at all, he continued to make deliveries on Wednesdays and Saturdays.
 
The following Wednesday, when I saw him at my house, I made him find a small cake and a dinner ready, he just said thank you, but he seemed happy. He continued to stay at my house in the pause times and slowly our relationship consolidated. Months went by, the relationship with his boyfriend went into crisis, he found another guy, then he told me about. He was madly in love with his new boyfriend, but that guy, after an initial enthusiasm, no longer wanted to know about him. Paul entered into deep crisis, he was very neurotic and aggressive even with me, but never in a bad way. We often quarreled, but we reconciled a little later, he told me that he loved me but underlining as always that he had a boyfriend even if "not very stable". Two years after our first meeting, it also happened that he stayed to sleep at my house or that he stayed at home to study for his Doctorate when I was at work, then he asked me if he could stay for a few months, in this way he would avoid paying a rent that could be useful only for a short time. So he came to stay at my house. I was fine with him.
 
No sex, but I felt just like in my family and I realized that he was fine too, three months later he received the news that he had to leave for his Doctorate in Germany. He was used to speaks English perfectly but not German. We started studying German together, we attended a German school together three times a week. We learned everything you can learn of German language in 70 days by studying an average of six hours a day. Then he left and I was alone again, but I was in chat with him every night, he insisted that on skype we had to speak German only, the thing went on for a few months, then he started letting some of his German friends into the conversations and slowly we got quite skilled using German. Here in Italy, at work, there are also Swiss and German customers who tell me that I speak German very well. In short, when the Doctorate ended in Germany, Paul made me an unexpected proposal and he did it in German: "Warum kommst du nicht hier her? Ich denke, wir könnten eine tolle Zeit haben. Kurz gesagt, ich würde es mögen." (Why do not you come here? I think we could have a great time. In short, I would like it.) It took a little while for me to find a job there, but I didn’t have big problems and about four months later I went to live in Hamburg with Paul. It seems that now he's no longer looking for a guy, he always repeats that he is not my boyfriend but in practice this only means that we don’t go to bed together, because when he is not at the DASY (Deutsches Elektronen-Synchrotron) he stays at home with me, almost always at the computer to study.
 
Here, Project, the story ends, what will happen in the future nobody knows but I can tell you that I don’t feel any frustration, between me and Paul there is a very strong emotional relationship. Could it all end? Well, I think that sooner or later he might find a boyfriend, but I don’t think that everything could finish between us. I don’t know if it's a gay love story, of course it's a strange story but it's my story.
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