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DREAMS AD REALITY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND
#1
Hi Project,

I’m writing to you just because I feel stressed I can't help but let off steam a bit and it is not the first email I send you. I'm tired, Project, not because of loneliness, or rather of relative loneliness. I accept it, I'm really tired of being faced with real problems in their banal brutality. Sometimes I think I will never have a real dialogue with the one I insist on considering my boyfriend, who is a good guy after all, but he is not my boyfriend except in my fantasy and the absence of dialogue doesn’t depend on the fact that he goes out with other guys too, which doesn't cause me big problems. The absence of dialogue derives from the difficulty of accepting our weak sides, both his and mine, and from our tendency to hide under the carpet the so-called trivial problems, that is, those brutally economic and work problems. 

We meet very little, but we anyhow we meet and I think all in all we also love each other. We talk freely about sex, he talks to me about his other guys, that is, he makes me understand that they are important to him but on these problems, which should be the thorniest problems, there have never been real misunderstandings. Between us there is mutual respect, there are no recriminations, we both take for granted that in case of need we would certainly be there for each other, but in those "need cases" we don’t include economic and work problems. We both work, I have a lower level job than his but stable, he has an important job that allows him to earn well but is always at risk of ending up with a handful of flies. Not only has he never boasted about his work but has always considered it the result of a stroke of luck destined to end in a short time due to his inability to manage it. In reality, so far he has handled the situation very efficiently, but the work, which gives him a lot, probably requires an effort and a series of sacrifices that, over time, he is less and less willing to accept. 

I have deduced all this in the course of this last year from a series of half words, allusions and grimaces on the occasion of sensitive speeches. There are no secrets between us, we have confessed to each other things that we have not told anyone else and nothing has changed between us. He tells me that I’m a free man because I’m not a slave to anyone and I think that the discourse avoids reaching the conclusion that he is instead enslaved to work. 

He has never been stingy and has never boasted of his economic possibilities that derive right and only from his work. He doesn't throw money out the window and basically never talks about it. He is stressed, very stressed, he always runs around with his laptop, when he comes to me for some sex, he stays for an hour at most and then he leaves. At first I thought he was leaving so early to go to some other guy, but he doesn't, he goes to his house to work until he falls asleep. He came to me once and fell asleep after sex, then suddenly woke up after half an hour and ran to his house to work. One day he got angry with me and behaved a bit aggressively, which almost never happens to him, I saw that he wasn’t at ease, I stroked his face and he started to cry and after five minutes he went away. He can't stand precariousness but that has always been his condition of life. 

Some of his exes did not tolerate his ways and turned him away thinking they were dealing with a pathological case. He knows he has to make important decisions for his future but he postpones everything day by day and goes on by inertia. He is afraid of the future. He thinks that in a few years he will end up being a bum on the street, he feels constantly inadequate, especially at work, but the effects of anxiety are also seen very strong in the fact that he tends to brutalize feelings, feelings that exist anyhow but would take away too much time, that time that he knows he has to dedicate only to work and that it is a time that no longer belongs to him. 

He has always been a bit strange, intolerant of any kind of constraint, impulsive, basically depressed and ready to blame himself for things that didn’t depend on him at all. He has a characteristic that I appreciate very much and he has never considered positive, namely the tendency not to disappear, not to sever relationships with people, except in truly extreme cases. If I look for him, sometimes he responds in a very brisk and almost annoyed way, but after a few days he is the one who shows up as if nothing had happened. 

Sometimes when we are in bed together I don't know how to behave, I don't understand what exactly he wants from me. If it's hot, like these days, he wants me to leave the window open, but then he lets himself go and speak aloud in a way too much free and sexualized, and he can't stand me telling him to be quiet because I'm afraid that other tenants in the building can hear us, and he says to me: "Then I'll get dressed and I'll go away!" And he's not joking. Obviously I have to run for cover and he calms down. He tells me that I’m hiding, that I have no courage. He’s not declared as a gay at work, but his friends and in practice many other people know everything about him (and about us too). This, for example, could create problems between us, but we never talk about this. If you like, it’s a second level problem, also because talking about it seriously would require a lot of time that he cannot take away from work. 

On a sexual level, there have never been problems between us, we have now found our balance for years, and then he is quite prudent (not always though) that's why we limit ourselves to protected or zero risk things, which he did not like at all before, but then he ended up accepting and now are our unwritten rule. With him, however, sex is not and has never been a problem, what puts me in crisis is the absence of a true dialogue on the things that put him in difficulty, as if he thought that he must solve by himself such problems because talking about such things with me would basically just be a waste of time. In fact, in a way it is, but when I see him nervous, anxious or depressed, I feel really bad. 

If I think of him, I think of him with tenderness, in fact he too, from his point of view, has forgiven me a lot of things. He's not vindictive, it's not really in his nature, sometimes he's gruff, unfriendly, I would say rough and I try to be respectful and not to invade his privacy. Sometimes, lately, he uses alcohol and smoking a little too frequently and this worries me, because it had never happened before, he himself tells me these things, but then he doesn’t let himself go beyond the limits of common sense. In one thing, however, he began to lose control and that is his nutrition: he eats too much and tends to gain weight and it shows, and this fact affects him both with the guys he knows and in his work environment, where physicality matters a lot. When I tell him to limit his diet he listens to me, if I talk to him about playing sports (which he used to do before) he doesn't even listen to me, because sport would take time. 

A few days ago I met an ex of his who told me about him, this guy didn't know who I was and told me about him without hesitation. He didn't say bad about him, but in my opinion he didn't understand anything about him, he just listed his defects, which I knew very well, but he couldn't see the merits. He saw him as authoritarian, dominant, boss, which he is absolutely not. I've seen him cry many times. His ex-boyfriend tried to control him and all the misunderstandings probably came from there. He has reproached me many times for being hypocritical and not having courage but deep down he was right and I have told him many times that he has an irritating way of doing things and he has recognized it. We have both flaws, but we don't try to be perfect or to appear what we are not. 

Perhaps the strongest note of our relationship is sincerity. He tells me: "I’m like this", if it suits you, we can go on, otherwise you can leave your own way. With him there is no distinction between appearance and reality, everything is clear and explicit, he doesn’t act, neither do I. He is blunt on the verge of brutality but doesn’t take offense if you tell him what you think of him looking straight in his eyes. He doesn't answer you in a polemical way, he shuts up, but he remembers what you say to him, that is, he thinks about it, tries to derive something good from your speech and doesn't tend to feel like a victim at all. 

I love him as he is, I can have many dreams about him, but I know that dreams will remain dreams, in any case I know that he is there, that maybe a little time will pass but I will see him again and that I can help make him stay a little better. I have a place in his life. We are no longer very young, we have both lived our experiences and we both could have taken other paths, let's put it this way, more normal, yet we are still here and certainly there must be a reason.
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