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DIARY OF A LOVE GAY
#1
Monday 6 May 2019, 7.40 am
It's Monday, the week starts again. Now you are going to work, we spent together, all inclusive, less than 24 hours, your pillow still has your scent, your imprint and almost your warmth. I know we must go on like this and I will know how to wait but I would like this waiting to end up as soon as possible in order to run to you and hug you again. I don't care about people, those who wouldn't understand anything anyway. They don't know what it means to embrace with all your strength, they don't know what it means to love and feel loved. I’m not dreaming, I feel that it’s truly what it’s happening. I think of you at all times of the day. Every time I see you again I’m almost afraid that the miracle will not happen again, that something will creak, and instead as soon as you look me in the eyes and smile at me, every fear disappears. I caress you, I feel your warmth.
I had lost hope of feeling truly free and happy and instead it happened, and now we have our little world, some dreams to turn into reality for work, some doubts about how to manage things outside, but nobody will rob us of our loving each other. Before I feared you, I thought that maybe I could discover something about you that would have influenced me, or rather I thought I was not up to having a guy like you, but you were not afraid, you made me see even the most fragile sides of you and I was enchanted.
We both had a past and we were both afraid to show ourselves for who we really are, but speaking clearly not only did not destroy anything but dispelled any doubts. The day we told each other about our lives, we pushed aside being single and started living for each other. Neither you nor I have ever told anyone about us, certainly out of prudence but also because nobody has to allow himself to judge things he does not know and to know happiness it is not enough to hear it told, it’s necessary to live it.
Today I work in the afternoon and in the morning I stay at home thinking about you, it is as if I had you near me, I seem to talk to you, to feel you. The fears are still many, and you know this, because when a guy has reached happiness he’s still afraid of losing it, then every now and then I get your text message with a smiley face and all the melancholies go away in a moment and if I’m alone I start to smile like an idiot.
I have had my experiences but it is the first time that I have fallen in love in the true sense of the word and it is a completely different thing. You took care of me, you surrounded me with attentions, you treated me with love and it never happened to me. I fell in love with a real man, with one who does not stoop to stupid or slimy things, one who if you are about to fall grabs you and keeps you close to him. You endured my paranoia, you considered it almost a merit, you never got mad at me, you just looked far away, sometimes you even stopped me, you clearly said no and it took me a while to understand that you were right.
What are you doing now? Maybe you're talking to some pretty girl who's eating you with her eyes, but you're professional, I know, I'm not afraid of these things. Of course if it was a nice guy who ate you with his eyes, I would feel jealous, well, you have to forgive me, it's natural, I have no doubts about you, but it would still bother me.
 
Tuesday 7 May 2019, 10.15 pm
I am very tired, but after your phone call I feel light, I feel like being walking on the clouds, now it's really summer outside. I’m a little worried because my father is not well but he minimizes. I think he understood that my life has changed, he sees me different and he also tells me, Who knows if he understood that you are not a girl, sometimes I think he did, but he never talks about it. I wanted to dream of you last night but it didn't happen. I worked late then I chatted with friends on WA, but those are just chats in the most evasive sense possible.
When they ask me about me I only talk about health and work, usually they end up there and they don't ask me questions, only Mark asks me when I’ll decide to find a girl and I always answer him in the same way, that is that the door is always open but nobody enters it, and the speech ends with the classic encouragement: "you will see that you will soon find a special girl!" I miss you, now I miss you a lot, just physically, I need to hold you, to feel your warmth, but it's only Tuesday.
One thing came to my mind, do you remember when I came to you for Easter? Well I was very impressed with the relationship you have with your big dog. When you play with Rinti, who is now almost bigger than me, I see that you love each other and Rinti is luckier than me because he sees you every night while I see you once a week and sometimes we skip that too. When Rinti saw us exchanging a little pampering, he got in the way, as if to say: why not to me? Evidently you got him used to pampering.
 
Thursday 9 May 2019, 11.40 pm
Today I saw a beautiful guy. Do not worry because he was married and also had a little child about a couple of years old, I was fascinated by the way he did with the child, it was just like a dad, you could see that he was happy, that with the child there was a  very spontaneous understanding, that is, not a role assumption but a very strong mutual emotional participation. I got some thoughts about the fact that we won't have children. I'm not sad about this. Well, let's turn the page! The day after tomorrow I see you again! It doesn't seem true to me, I'm counting down the hours.
 
Friday 10 May 2019, 10.10 pm
Less than 24 hours and I see you again! Today I heard a slightly stupid joke: a guy is asked if he prefers Tuesday (the day of Mars) or Friday (the day of Venus), if he prefers Tuesday he is gay! At first I hadn't even understood it. I can accept a joke like this from Mark, because it is absolutely without malice. Another strange thing: at work I felt the eyes of a girl who occasionally comes to the office, she is a little too flirtatious! You have to teach me how I can hold her off because there is something seductive about her way of doing that I don't really like. Handsome guys today just zero! One worse than the other. They are perhaps intelligent and polite, I don't doubt it, but they appear better on the phone than in person. I did the shopping for tomorrow, I’ll make for you the cold Russian salad, made by me as God commands! I miss you a lot. Try to take the first train, otherwise we will lose four hours!
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