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COMING OUT AND PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
#1
My name is Mauro, I’m 24 years old, I would love to talk about homosexuality with someone in a serious way but I never succeeded, I never trusted anyone. With a psychologist who listens to me because I pay for it and who maybe gives me useful advices, I don’t even want to try, I wouldn’t feel at ease staying in front of a stranger or even a female stranger to talk about my sexuality, I don’t want to do the patient, then there are the priests, I tried to talk about homosexuality with a priest a half-time, in a very generic way, without even referring to myself and the reaction was so schematic and inhuman that it left me stunned. I would like to talk about homosexuality but not with one who talks about it because he has studied it reading books. What can a woman psychologist know about male homosexuality? She knows it in theory. And for a priest it's the same, unless he's a gay too. I would like to talk about homosexuality with a gay but here there are a mountain of problems. First of all a gay man could want me as a sexual object, I know that there is nothing wrong but it is something I don’t like because it ruins the possibility of talking seriously, I wouldn’t feel free and I would try to defend myself. But let’s go to my story. 
 
Now I don’t remember well because they are very old things, but up to 14 years old I think I have been more or less gay, if such a thing makes sense, I masturbated thinking of boys and given my very free education I hadn’t at all feelings of guilt on the contrary it was something that had become so necessary that it was a real fixation and if I have to say all the truth it was the obsession of my adolescence, I did it too much, I almost went to the point of hurting myself, of course I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. I tried to hold myself back so as not to arrive at paroxysmal levels.
 
My anguishes have begun in the ninth grade. We took a trip to Paris with the school. At night there were two of us in each room because the rooms were small. The first night I and Mark (let's call him so) start talking ... obviously about sex, but in a very serious way, nothing morbid, talking just to compare our experiences. Mark tells me about a girl, I'm careful not to tell him that I'm gay, he definitely takes for granted that I'm straight, then tells me that he masturbates thinking about that girl and I answer in general terms that it happens to me too, obviously neglecting to say that it happened to me thinking of boys. Then something absolutely unexpected comes, a kind of lightning out of the blue, Mark tells me that "however" he sometimes masturbated even thinking of a boy.
 
I tried to put him absolutely at ease to make him talk but he was very reticent, while he wasn't reticent at all about the girl. Then we changed the subject and I was very sorry but I couldn’t insist. When we went to bed I was strongly recommended that I keep absolutely private the things he had told me. I told him that I felt happy that he had told me these things because it meant he trusted me and trusted me completely. I swear I had the strong temptation to tell him about me and I had to make an almost physical violence on myself to restrain.
 
The day after, Mark was embarrassed, he kept me at a distance, he stayed as much as possible with the other guys. I thought it was for the confession of his gay masturbation but then, after some time, it came to my head that Mark could be in love with me and that the mention of his gay masturbation was in essence a way to tell me it, but, even assuming it was so, not only at that time I hadn't foreseen such a thing, but in front of him I had taken a defensive attitude and hadn’t told him the truth just to keep my privacy.
 
The following days, for me, were a torture but I tried never to put him in trouble, when we were with the others I played the role of the fool to get his attention and he noticed it. The last night in the hotel  the magical atmosphere of the first night has recreated, we talked a lot, or better he talked a lot, he told me clearly that he was gay and that he didn’t ever have a girl, he was astonished at my reactions, I was listening to him with the utmost attention and asking him questions to make him talk, but always keeping myself out of the play. I asked him to tell me what it means to be gay and he told me so many things that I knew very well, but I didn’t let go to confessions that seemed to me too dangerous and I let Mark speak without saying anything about me.
 
I was torn in my soul. I didn't know what to do, but there was a basic reason that pushed me to shut up and it was that I didn’t like Mark physically. I liked hearing him talk about sex in such an intimate and direct way, and I was also very excited, but I didn’t intend to get involved in such things, maybe I felt a little desire to try (even more than a little!) But it was for the thing itself, I wasn’t in love with Mark and so I didn’t tell him anything. This time I was not recommended to keep the secret. When we came back to Italy, on the plane we were close to each other, I saw his hand resting on the arm of the chair that was attached to mine and I really wanted him to caress my hand at least for a moment but it didn’t happen.
 
With Mark we have been very friends, like two brothers, all the time of high school. He told me that he was fine with me "as if I were gay" but he said it in a very serious way. Basically I don’t think Mark ever questioned that I was straight and this made me feel like a worm on so many occasions. He trusted me and I didn’t trust him, now I regret it but at that time it seemed to me the only thing to be done.
 
The relationship with Mark has become profound over the years, even though I have always kept my distance from any possible implication on a sexual level. When he started going to the gym, at 17, I didn’t go there deliberately and avoiding to go there was very hard for me, he was the only gay guy I knew and he was a wonderful guy, not on a physical level, at least not for me, but he was an honest, generous boy, one whom you cannot help but love.
 
At the age of 18, he fell madly in love with Luke, one of our beautiful companions who played basketball with him. Mark was always in crisis, Luke didn’t even look at him and he came to seek comfort from me. Mark thought that Luke was gay but I had seen him with a girl in a such uninhibited attitude that a gay guy would never have shown, I told him: "Forget him, Luke is hetero! ... you must find a gay boy ... " and he told me: "But I don’t know any gay guy ... ". That was the straw that broke the vase ... and I said to him: "It's not true, you know me ..." He looked at me with two eyes wide open that I will never be able to forget: "You? ... ". He asked me why I hadn’t told him it before and I replied that I wasn’t in love with him and I didn’t want any complications, he was perplex, I feared his answer because I felt a hypocrite, but he immediately reassured me. .. "Well ... maybe you did well because in fact I've always had a half crush for you ...".
 
After this conversation he stopped fantasizing about Luke and started thinking about me. We were friends, at last we were admittedly two gay friends, he was not a disco-maniac, no mania about clubs or strange things. We saw each other practically every afternoon. He no longer went to basketball ... and we talked a lot, when it happened one afternoon that I couldn’t see him, I felt a sense of emptiness, of wasted time, a feeling of indescribable non-life. When he called me I felt immediately revived.
 
But there has never been sex between us. Now, to tell the truth, sometimes I think about it and sometimes I masturbate thinking of him, even if it is not common and it sounds a little strange to me, and I think he does the same, however, concretely, there has never been sex between us. I didn’t overcome the fact that he doesn’t really attract me physically. If Mark had the physique of Luke, he would be my ideal guy, but it is not so, he’s a great guy I don’t like too much physically.
 
There are many guys who excite me when I just look at them, with him it doesn’t happen to me, but I feel very impressed by his charm as a person. He knows that I'm not in love with him and he doesn’t even try a little contact with me, this thing is a good thing for me, but in another sense I'd like him to try and break the ice. I think he is in love with me, he has not found another guy, he has not even looked for a guy. He told me that he is well, but I don’t think it's the truth. In a sense I would like our relationship to develop but honestly I don’t feel a real transport towards him. From the day we started, let's say so, to love each other, I've known only another guy I really liked from the physical point of view but in front of Mark was a nothingness in every sense and in the end I let him go before starting because I cannot start a story with someone I don’t really admire, but on the other hand I think I couldn’t even be with someone who doesn’t physically attract me. I thought that maybe on a sexual level my interest in Mark could increase over time but until now it has not happened. My story stops at this point, I honestly don’t know how to behave. I'd like to know what you think about.
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