06-12-2018, 03:46 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-04-2020, 12:37 PM by gayprojectforum.)
The text that follows is devoid of connotations (masculine or feminine) that allow to understand the sex of the protagonists. This story (like others with the same characteristics) can be used as a projective test. The heterosexual reader is led to read the story in a hetero key and generally doesn't realize that it is a not sexually connoted text, the homosexual reader instead usually realizes that the text is not sexually connoted and, precisely for this reason, is less inclined to project himself into it.
_________
My dear,
This is a passage of my diary of “that year”:
« We have been friends for long time now. It’s a good feeling to have someone to call if sadness takes over, or just to talk with. Do you remember?
It was Christmas Eve. Neither of us was busy with friends and parties, total loneliness, and I called you to wish you a merry Christmas, I did it without any purpose, just as usual, but then it was different, we have been talking for over half an hour. It was nice to hear your voice. I didn’t know what to do, I thought I was making you waste time and I said: “Well, it’s better I go, otherwise perhaps you’ll be late ... I think someone is already waiting for you somewhere…” and you answered: “No problem, nobody is waiting for me.”
I was perplexed, it seemed impossible to me, and that was the moment that the a fool idea flashed in my brain. I asked you: “Would you like to came here?” Your answer seemed to me very strange: “I would but I think I wouldn't feel at ease among your friends, I think perhaps it’s better another time.” But I was about to spend a Christmas Eve alone and I told you that I had no friends at home, I was completely alone. Everything started this way.
No more than an hour later we were in front of each other chatting in a very embarrassed way. Everything sounded strange. We put on a CD of Christmas carols just to ease the conversation and to make the long silences shorter.
My fridge was empty because I hadn’t programmed anything for that night: no wine, no sweets, in practice nothing but canned beans and rice and a bottle of tomato juice, salt and pepper. You told me: “Let’s start, I’m a little starving and you?” In practice we have spent all the time before midnight cooking. You are very well at cooking like you were a cook very refined.
Sometimes you were singing following the King’s College choir, like you were a chorister. You remembered by heart the text of those carols.
While shepherds watch'd their flocks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And glory shone around.
“Fear not!” said he, for mighty dread
Had seized their troubled mind.
“Glad tidings of great joy I bring
To you and all mankind.
There was a magic atmosphere, you seemed really exalted by that celestial joy, and I was there looking at you, looking at your flashing smile. I was happy, friendship seemed to me something wonderful. We were no more than two friends spending together Christmas Eve but it was wonderful. Or better it was normal, we were like a couple even if such a word was very far from our dictionary at that time, we were a family, with no children but just a family and the embarrassing feeling of the beginning vanished while a calm serenity took its place, as if time had stopped for a little to let us experience something new, something special, something that had been created abruptly, unexpectedly, but was nevertheless enjoyable, pleasant, I’d say absolutely particular.
The dinner was minimal, but the atmosphere was special. You had put aside every embarrassment and I was looking at you noticing for the first time haw you are beautiful, your hands, your skin, your eyes, you hair. Not that I hadn’t noticed such things before, but in those magic moments I felt upset … but no, it isn’t the right word, I felt a certain restlessness, the need to be near you, to think less and stay close to you as much as possible.
But you kept yourself at a distance, you didn’t move away from me but you didn’t encourage me and I didn’t know what to do. I wondered many times, on that Christmas Eve, what you were thinking, how you considered our strange relationship, our sharing good feelings while we were together. I expected a gesture from you that could take away all my doubts, but that gesture didn’t come. Nevertheless you were extremely happy, you were playing, you were joking, but that gesture didn’t come, and a certain discouragement began to make its way inside me.
Then the time has passed and even midnight has passed with all his emotions and best wishes and you asked me if you could stay and sleep at my house. I liked it, but at the same time I would have liked better a different epilogue. We didn’t even talk about sleeping together, I made you a bed in the room where I usually work, and you went to sleep after hugging me. It was not a formal hug, no, it was a different thing, you hugged me tightly, in a way that is certainly not that of friends but it resembles the way of lovers. It's nice to hold the person you love in your arms, that's undeniable, but I wondered obsessively what that embrace meant to you.
The next morning you came out of the bathroom with your hair in the wind, a very beautiful image, and with your usual smile you said: "I really enjoyed everything, I don’t think I could have spent better my Christmas Eve.”
I feel really comfortable when I'm with you, it's like I've always known you, it's really a very beautiful thing. When you greeted me I wanted to hold you back, but I knew I didn’t have to do it. You hugged me again and for a few seconds more, that gesture contained a strong and clear message that didn’t need words.
You left smiling and waving your hand as if to say hello, even if we haven't made any appointment. After five minutes I got a text message: "I love you!" »
Do you remember the first non-work mail you sent me? I kept it because I was really moved, here it is:
« How beautiful Christmas night was! The pleasure of being with a person who takes care of you, who transmits you serenity, calm, peacefulness, you feel happy, you feel you are the object of special attention, of affection, I would say almost love. When I decided to come to your house I didn’t know what to expect, in a sense I accepted the risk. My dreams could have shattered, but I also had to understand something more. I had to understand what I could be for you, what it means to you to love a person.
You have not reduced anything shattered, you have been there, I saw that you were fine but you never crossed the limit, you've never been intrusive, and I began to love you for this very reason. I am a person with many problems and I cannot promise you things that I could not keep, but I would like you to know that on Christmas night I was really free, in practice I felt happy and this almost never happens to me. I don’t know if we will ever be a couple in the classic sense of the term, but I believe that there is already some form of love between us, I don’t think this word is exaggerated.
You will have to be patient, I must learn what it means to feel loved, because I don’t think it has ever happened to me, but this time things could really be different. In short, if you think it is appropriate to start believing in something better, well, then I too think that we can try.»
Now I greet you, I needed to feel you somehow present, and write this mail made me relive some very nice things!
I'm waiting for you as soon as possible! When you're not here I miss you very much!
Bye.