12-20-2020, 04:44 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-20-2020, 04:44 AM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project,
I'd like to talk a little with you to know what you think about some important points for my relationship with my partner. I read your “Being Gay” manual and found many things in it that match my experience. I will try first to summarize the facts and then to present my doubts to you.
I'm 29 years old, you can call me Max, I have never attended gay circles and until a couple of years ago I had never had gay friends and least of all a partner. I have always made a lot of use of pornography, not really at the level of addiction but almost, let's say it was like a drug that allowed me to have somehow a sexuality even if I had no partners of any kind. I have never used dating sites or sex chats or gay dating apps, I think I didn't do it more for fear of diseases than for the thing itself. Meanwhile, I graduated and I also found a job.
When I was at university I dreamed of finding the guy of my dreams at university, when I started working I dreamed of finding him in the workplace, but I never found anyone either on one side or the other. I am not a cover boy, I am very normal, passable but not a movie star, maybe this also counts for a lot and maybe the fact that I don't go around looking for bargains also counts for a lot.
However, at Easter 2017 I meet by pure chance, through friends, a married man 36 years old, exactly ten years older than me, a very handsome man, there is a certain mutual sympathy, on my part also something more, but he is married, he has no children but he is married, when he uses for the first time the expression "my wife" he freezes all my hot spirits and I tries to get away from him who instead does everything to keep me. Or rather he doesn't try at all on a sexual level, but he has attention for me that no one had ever had, he often called me on the phone, we talked about everything, but not about sex or love life, in short he's a good friend and something more than a good friend.
I couldn't break away because he courted me in a very discreet way but his way of doing was, despite everything, the way of doing a lover, not that of a friend. Obviously he must have understood that I was gay, I don't know what he understood it from, but he certainly understood it because at some point he started talking about sex and basically told me he was married but he was gay, he could also have intercourse with his wife, and it happened, but it wasn't what he really wanted, he told me that when he masturbated he thought of men and that since he had known me he had started to think of me. It is clear that to make a speech of this kind he had to assume that I was gay, and in fact then he told me clearly.
I swear to you, Project, that I didn't know how to behave, I would have liked being with him, but he was married and the complications would have been so many. For me they have been days full of anxiety, you have a practically unique opportunity to be with the man you want but he is married, he is gay, but he is married. Since I did not know what to say, I mentioned to him that he could get a divorce, because by now there was a short divorce and with the consent of both spouses 6 months of separation would have been enough, otherwise twelve, but in any case it could have been a short thing after all. He was perfectly aware of all these things and therefore he had concretely thought about the divorce but in the end he didn’t feel like to take any initiative. When we talked about it together he was very hesitant. I did not feel like insisting, also because, if he hadn't divorced, I would have found myself into a very complicated situation and since the summer of 2017 we have cut off all types of contact, including telephone contact.
In February 2018 he calls me very early one morning, it must have been 6.00, more or less, and asks me if I have found a boyfriend, I tell him no and he says: "I don't know if it might interest you but I'm in pending divorce. My wife found a partner and asked me if I was willing to do a divorce by mutual consent and I said yes. " I felt caught off guard and replied: “Let me think about. I have to think about it a bit ... I'll call you back at lunchtime." He simply told me. "Ok!" and we ended the call. He had talked from the beginning about going to live together. I knew that the house where he was staying with his wife was his and that they were under a separation of property regime, but the house problem would not exist anyway because I had my small apartment for rent, even if bringing in another person permanently would have created big problems with the landlord. In short, Project, before giving him my answer I asked myself a thousand questions but only on economic or social aspects. at that time I thought that there could be no other problems.
At lunchtime I call him and tell him that I am very interested in it! He is happy with it. We meet at his house to have dinner together and to talk about us. I go to his house, he has prepared a dinner with candles, something I can't stand, I ask him to blow out the candles, he does it without saying a word, realizing that all that seduction staging is only counterproductive. I realize that he expects me to have sex with him after dinner, but I stop him right away and tell him: "We have to take the test first!" and he replies: "But there is no need, and then I have condoms." I told him we shouldn't take any chances because neither of us could know each other's sex life. He asked me if I had had many guys, when I told him I had never had one he didn't believe it and thought it was a joke, then as far as he was concerned he said to me: "I have had sex only with my wife and sometimes before, but only with women." Almost as if sex with a girl was less dangerous. In that moment I didn't understand what it could mean that before getting married he had sex with other girls.
However, he swallowed the bitter morsel of the fact that we had to do the test first and after a few days we did it and it all turned out negative, so we could give the green light to sex. I go to his house for dinner, this time without candles, Spartan and quick dinner and then to the bedroom. And here for me the first cold shower has arrived, he expects to undress me, it's not the best but I can let him, while he undresses me he says: Now you have to give me your "little pussy", I look at him very perplexed and he immediately recovers: "... your big dick" ... I make a face at him again as if to say, at least shut up! He signals to me that the message has been received. For a while, things go on passably, then he gets distracted and calls me with the nickname he used for his wife. I look at him again with a fiery gaze. Things get better again, but after a few minutes he tells me: "You are my favorite bitch!" And here I felt no more up to stand such things and said to him: " I guess you're confusing me with another person ..." In short, we have not reached the end, because sometimes strange things came out, very typically hetero, and in any case I don't want to be the substitute of a woman, if he wants a woman what's the problem? There are so many women!
At the end of the night he was almost in tears and told me: "You have to teach me how to have sex like gays, because I'm still far behind." The second time we met to have sex he avoided the grossest gaffes and we also had some sex, really very little, he was happy because I didn't scold him and we got to the end but I felt in a very heavy way the substitute for a woman. I had to do to him everything a woman does, but he never reciprocated, he was disinterested in my "big dick" as he called it but told me that I have beautiful breasts and a nice butt, something that I would never have told a gay guy.
Anyway, one way or another we did some sex but frankly it wasn't that great. After the second time I was starting to think that I was really in trouble and that he was probably not gay at all, maybe vaguely bisexual. One night when he was a little disheartened by our experience instead of having sex we just talked and it was so much better. I asked him what he felt when he had sex with a woman and he told me about it in a very hetero way, I also asked him what he expected from a man and he replied: "First of all friendship ... then also sex, but above all I would like affection from a man. " I asked him: "But why then the first time I came to you, you seemed to want to have sex with me right away?" He answered me: “Because I thought you would like it… now if you don't want to have sex with me anymore, I can understand it, but don't go away I need a person who respects and understands me. I don't know if I really fell in love with you, you are the friend I never had ... it's absurd huh? " I said to him: “It's not absurd at all… I think we should talk a lot… what can I tell you? I didn't expect such a thing, you've trusted me up to this point ... it's obvious that I'm not leaving, but it seems strange to me to become the closest friend of a straight guy who can even have sex with me, at least up to a certain point, but then he will continue to love women ... ”
He replied: “No I'm not straight, I want to be with you, I really don't think I could get back with a woman, the contact I have with you is really different. I love you more than how I love women, I've never found a woman who really understood me, I thought it happened with my wife but when she saw my weaknesses she behaved like everyone else. I don't blame her, maybe in her place I would have done the same. But you haven't run away and I don't think for that bit of awkward sex you can have with me who am trying to love you like a gay would but I don't even know where to start, sometimes I think I could but sometimes I think really not. I asked myself: can we be a gay couple? Don't ask me what I think because I don't know either, I'm fine now but I'm afraid you may disappear as my wife disappeared."
Dear, Project, the facts end there. I love him, he is a good man who at first seemed strong and unattainable but then proved fragile and very insecure. He was 100% honest with me and probably with his wife as well, and I think that his wife left precisely because of his fragility, for his perpetual indecision and because you realize that in the end you can only count on him up to a certain point. He was straight in his own way for many years, then he tried to be gay, but always in his own way, and so someway he failed both times. He is afraid of being himself, he has to follow a script dictated from the outside, he thinks that if he follows his instinct he is wrong and so holds back himself, he always does things halfway, he participates, but with the perennial fear of making mistakes, he trusts me but at the same time he fears me, of his sexuality he says: "I am gay" and in a sense it is true, he is happy to be with me but he is afraid to delude, to promise without keeping promises, he's afraid of not being up to it even if it is not at all like so. Now we don't live together, but he would like it, he makes me understand it in every way. Before I had some doubts about whether he was really gay, but then those doubts vanished because he is sexually involved and this is undeniable, in essence I am not afraid of a flashback towards women because he is fine with me, and in a sense for me it's the same. He told me a little about his life which was basically a normal life. He says he has always known that he liked men but that he only had sex with girls because it was much easier with them and in the end he was not resistant to women, but he says that when he was with a woman, if he had a choice, he would have gone with a man.
Now I come to the point, Project, I can't tell you if the story with him really satisfies me, maybe I could feel better with another, but in the end I think that even with another I would always feel happy in an imperfect way. the problems would be other but it is not said at all that they would be less than those I have with him. Of course I found myself in a situation very far from the one I had dreamed of for years, but I really love this man, I don't know how to say it, I don't see him so much as the companion for life according to the model I had imagined but somehow I love him, I have the impression that he counts a lot on me and that gratifies me. There is a dialogue between us that I think is unimaginable for many people. For a while I thought that I would have to find a way to cut the rope and get rid of him, but now I'm starting to think that basically I don't want to do it. And here comes the question I ask you: what would you do?
I am not afraid that he will take badly that I sent you this email, because he knows exactly how things are and he also knows that I am very uncertain, or maybe he knows that even if I am very uncertain, I love him anyway.
I am attaching my skype contact [omitted] because I would prefer to talk about it verbally, if you think it possible, put the email in the forum, maybe some right input may come from there too.
Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.
Max