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BEEING OR NOT BEEING PRESENT: A CLASSIC GAY PROBLEM
#1
Hi Project,
I wrote to you a few months ago and you replied things I appreciated a lot. The problem is always the same. I don't know if you remember, me forty-one and my boyfriend (an expression that in this case has a very special meaning) thirty-one. I’m fixated on how I’m old and he is interested in me, but only from a sexual point of view. Something that would have seemed absolutely incredible to me. A few more months have passed and the situation has remained more or less the same. We never lost sight of each other, every now and then a little sex, but otherwise two separate worlds, we almost never hear each other and we meet only for sex. Nevertheless there is a kind of relationship between us that has its own seriousness, even if it is very diluted and also quite a bit ritualized. He’s never satisfied with the guys he meets and then he comes to me, but in practice he comes to me only when he has nothing better. I want to emphasize that I don't blame him for this, because I would most likely do the same in his place. I never tell him no, but I never look for him because I'm afraid of interfering with the mechanisms of his real life, that is, the one he would like, even if he can't live it with the guys he really cares about. I haven't heard from him for three weeks now and I can't deny that I miss him, because there has always been a relationship between us that is not at all stupid, even if it cannot be summarized under any label. In short, now I miss him and I miss him in every sense. I have wondered a thousand times what to do, whether to call him or not to call him. I don't know if calling him will bother him or if maybe it's something he would like, but the fact remains that he has not been heard for a long time now and this makes me think that maybe he has found a guy with whom he is feels happy and it would be a great thing for him. I would gladly put myself aside and basically I have always been aside, but I would also accept to disappear completely, letting him forget about me and remove me from his consciousness. He never reproaches me for anything, when we talk he’s very spontaneous, he doesn't tell lies. In short, I don’t know what to do, or rather I know it, because I think I will do nothing, I will not call him, and if he doesn’t call me, our story will end up by natural consumption. I wouldn't want one thing only, I wouldn't want him to feel bad and not tell me because maybe he thinks I want to distance myself because I'm no longer interested in him. He changed several guys and never understood why I never used those special apps looking for guys. He doesn't realize that he's really important to me. Today I thought about calling him but then I started thinking that maybe he could be with a guy and that I would bother him and so I gave up. I don't want another guy and deep down I don't want him either. I only wish that he loved me, even without going to bed with me and instead it happens that we go to bed together but not that he loves me or rather loves me as I would like, because he treats me with respect, except in some moments of nervousness. I have known other guys in the past and even now there are some guys who have shown me a certain sympathy and who I think would be happy to be with me, but for me there is only one guy who matters, the others are friends, but I would not be able to be myself with them, while with him I feel completely at ease and I think he too feels the same way , even if sometimes, after sex, he becomes a little more aggressive (verbally) towards me and he reproaches me for being physically decayed, for not playing sports, for letting go, for eating too much, and he’s probably right. This is a stupid email, now that I have tried to reread it I have noticed it. In fact, it sounds like a one-sided story, but it isn't. I would like to see him smile, play, be less serious than his usual, but he never really melts with me because I think he doesn't even melt with himself, or maybe he would or even does it with other guys. He doesn’t have a great idea of himself neither from the physical point of view nor from the mental and work point of view and instead he seems to me a beautiful guy and also very intelligent and capable to deal with every situation, but as for beauty, at least, my judgment could be a little biased. There are some guys who turned him away because they thought he was ugly … and this is something that I will never be able to understand. Not only is he a handsome boy, but he looks much younger than his age. In short, I love him and maybe somehow he loves me too, but obviously this is not enough to get together. There are other needs, let's say primary, but in the end those primary needs still fail to make him feel good. We certainly share a fear and it is the fear of time passing, I’m now over 40 and I have to start getting used to the idea that the best period of life has passed and that now more than dreaming we must try to build something that can last, I’m not talking about building a life as a couple or anything like that, what I would like is to be able to maintain a true friendship with him, perhaps even with a little sex but, at the limit, I could even do without sex. Having him as a friend would make me happy and then, if I saw him happy, fulfilled, then my happiness would be perfect. But I wish I could count on his friendship with the certainty that it would not fade over the years. In fact, we met 12 years ago and we never really lost touch. Today, however, I’m afraid that what hasn’t happened up to now could happen just now, for me it would be a problem because I would lose the person who, strange as he was and very different from me, has been anyhow the most important person of these years. I feel melancholy not because I'm afraid of losing a boyfriend, but because I'm afraid of losing a true friend. Who knows why one falls in love with a guy and keeps him in his soul so than there isn’t any place there for anyone else! The fact is that you feel that guy frighteningly similar from many aspects which however are not those needed for the couple life. A smile from him or a kind word from him counts more than any seduction. I love him because he’s him and because deep down he too recognizes that he has something in common with me. I'm very sad, Project, because I haven't heard from him in a long time and I'm tempted to call him. I could do it tomorrow, but he certainly has to work tomorrow morning, his hours of the week change frequently and then I could wait until next Sunday, when almost a month will be passed since our last meeting. I hope that my call may be something welcome for him, and it would be enough for me. I will let you know.
Hamlet79
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