06-02-2021, 12:56 PM
Hi Project,
I've been reading the forum for a few years now, it's a bit like browsing other people's private lives and it helps to understand that we are not unique, but that basically many experiences that seem unique to us are actually very common. I have found stories of more or less declared falls in love, stories of very complicated relationships, of unexpected fish out, but I have never found a story that was similar to mine in the ending. I think that my story has nothing exceptional and is indeed a common thing, but the ending of the stories is never talked about, and instead I would like to talk about it.
I completely skip the premises and most of the development and go straight to the point. After years of long-distance relationship with a guy, and therefore after years of traveling, jealousies, misunderstandings, back and forth, I arrived, but I could say we came to the idea that we both got bored and didn't have the courage to tell us the truth, because by now the habits were very consolidated and we took everything for granted.
At the end of January, I made the decision to close a shack that was collapsing on all sides. If I had told him what I had in mind the arguments would have started, he would have blamed me, etc. etc., as had happened other times, and so I was silent, I did not say anything, I simply drastically reduced the calls, which by now had become a meaningless duty, we began to not hear each other anymore or almost. He probably expected something similar and things ended like a flame that goes out and in the end we are left with only the ash.
This final breaking up process took a couple of months. We haven't heard from each other since the beginning of April. You will think that afterwards there were second thoughts, nostalgia and things like that, no! Instead, there was the feeling of having regained freedom. I'm not talking about the freedom to find another guy, I'm tired of these things, I'm talking about the freedom of not having to think about any guy, the freedom to be alone!
He wasn't a bad person, basically he behaved with me in a normal way, like so many guys do, but in the end we got together because we had the myth of the gay couple in mind. Before we started being together we thought our life was going to change, but it only changed because there were travels and weekends together, but once the early days of sex and what comes after is gone, if there is not any real reason for being together, coexistence, and even the partial one, begins to become boring. We ended up living in small the dynamics that a straight family lives in large, but without the children, of course. Mutual adaptations, small recriminations, huge wastes of time, extreme difficulty of combining our schedules in order to be able to spend some time together and then, when we could see each other, the embarrassment of not knowing what to say, because basically there was no serious reason to be together.
I have wasted a lot of time with the university, but now I have started again in a great way and I see the university in just another way, before it was a place where you had to take exams but there was at least the possibility of going hunting for some cute colleague hoping he was gay, now there are only exams, I can say that that I feel vaccinated against the epidemics of easy falling in love. My faculty is predominantly male but there are girls and not very few, now I realize that they observe me and try to get in touch with me, one in particular, which is pretty and that, if I were straight, would be an interesting hyothesis to explore, but I'm not straight and I have to keep her at a distance to avoid unpleasant situations.
Some guys offered me to study together, but I didn't accept and I went back to studying on my own, at the end of the semester I passed the exams while they didn't even show up. What happened to my emotional world? I still live with my parents, with them I don't have clear relationships, that is, they don't know about me but at least they are happy that I went back to studying, then I have a dog, but I should say a big and smart dog, a German shepherdess, who is young and which is truly one of the best things in my life. Friends like a friend of the heart I don’t have any, and I can say fortunately, friends for a trivial chat once in a while yes, there is someone, but they are not things that I really care about.
Now I have to think about studying, to regain control of my life and I have to hurry up, because I want to go and live on my own. At my parents' house I have no problems, they are very discreet people and they love me, but at a certain point the need for independence is felt. I want to live on my own, but in a house with only one bed and also a single one. I don't want to receive anyone at my home. Maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind, but I think that in order to change my mind, the effect of the anti-love vaccination should pass first. I see a lot of handsome guys but they don't care about me and I don't care about them.
It will seem paradoxical to you but I would like to know how the relationships of many guys ended up who told on the forum of splendid beginnings and complex developments of their stories, but no one tells how these stories ended up, because in fact, objectively, the vast majority of stories end, some go on, some end really badly but most of them do not end neither well nor badly, they simply end, it is of these that I would like to know what happens next. Some people talk about black depression, frustration and stuff like that, but I think most of break ups are experienced as a release.
I mentioned this talk with a gay friend, who, however, had his scheme in mind and told me that I was "basically" depressed and tried to console myself as in the story of the fox and the grapes, according to him the end of a story lasted years like mine must necessarily be a tragedy. He says it's impossible that I want to simply put the guys aside anymore. I am not saying that I will put them aside for my whole life, I am just saying that now I have to take a vacation period from true or presumed falls in love.
It sounds strange to gays that I'm not addicted to guys and sex, I have lived similar experiences, I don't deny it, I have lived them with all the possible involvement, but then slowly they passed. If they'll come back, they'll come back in an attenuated form, like the flu for a vaccinated man. Experience serves to grow, to demystify. I don’t feel superior to those who take total crushes and want to live together because they expect happiness from those things, I just say that they are not things for me, I have tried them, but in the long run I have understood that you are perfectly fine even without them.
I would be happy if you put this email in the forum because I would like to see if someone answers me and how they answer me and, if you like, tell me what you think.
FinallyFree94