04-13-2018, 07:12 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-13-2018, 07:30 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Hello everybody.
If I can, I will insert myself in this discussion to contribute, even if in a very small part, to this topic. An experience of mine, more recent and personal, concerns the "risk" that I took in trying to attend a girl, a schoolmate of mine and now university mate. At that time I knew I was gay, I was aware of the attraction I felt towards guys. Although I've never had experiences in sexual chats, dating sites or anything like that, however, the temptation was always there, I cannot deny it. In short, the force of sexuality cannot be erased, I believe especially at my age.
So, reflecting better, why did I try to start a story with a girl? Surely it happened because of an acceptance of my homosexuality not yet full and mature, (acceptance which perhaps is not yet perfect, but which I also believe does never materialize in a final point and rather consists of continuous changes, experiences and so on...) where being gay is not experienced as a natural condition, but as a burden or problem to be carried out, or worse to be solved. And an engagement, in such a condition, easily seems to solve all the problems; finally you can show others that you are straight, that you have no difficulty, no frailty. Suddenly the world seems to be easier and safer to live: you get engaged, then once you finish your studies you get married, somehow you go to live under a new roof, and you become a father. Oh yes, this is the central point: the desire for paternity.
How much it weighs for a gay to know that you cannot become a father, not to be able to raise a child. Especially for those who dream of it since they were kids (I laugh at the thought, but for me it was so!) And then if you find a girlfriend you solve all the problems with your family. What I imagined in those moments was a less unequal relationship with my father (that unfortunately is very conflictual). A girl makes a man look stronger. I know it's cynical and petty, but thinking about, I implicitly thought so.
I liked this girl as a person, even if from a sexual point of view I didn’t feel attracted at all. Nevertheless I "declared" to her all my “love”, confessing to her that there was something on my side; in a sense it was true, but I didn’t consider sexuality in the slightest. I was denying myself pretending to be bisexual, therefore retaining the desire to be "a little" gay anyway. We went out twice together, two half days, I would say two beautiful days. A few handshakes, some hugs. I must be sincere? I have a happy memory of those moments. But false. False because it started from wrong, dishonest assumptions. I was constantly wondering how I could betray that girl from the beginning, founding a possible relationship on lies. I couldn’t tell her I was bisexual, because I had already understood that she wouldn’t accept it. I was about to imprison myself in a tunnel with no exit.
Looking back on it better, what attracted me most to her was her family. Yes, I'm not joking: two fantastic parents, fantastic from my point of view and also two older brothers who were really good people. I confess that I liked one of the two brothers. Here you can understand, what an idiot I was. ... After two or three weeks, in which she went through a stormy period with the guy she had been with before we first met, she sent me an SMS where she basically downloaded me. I didn’t take it very badly, it was perhaps mostly my wounded pride to hurt me. Now I can understand how lucky I was, after all. I have not continued in the lie, I have not chained myself to a life that was not mine where I would have felt only trapped. I liked and still like this girl. But love is another thing; I didn’t feel "butterflies in my stomach" with her; a desire so deep to caress her body, to "taste" every inch of her skin, to live completely, soul and body, together, in a friendship such things there are not.
Love is just another thing ... I realize now that I have a life to build before me, neither society nor my family can or must do it in my place. I hope I have not said nonsense, and I also hope that my considerations are in no way offensive towards the married gays who wrote here before me. I am aware of what it means to be gay practically thanks to Gay Project forum, so ... I don’t have much left to add, except that I would, of course, read some of your considerations!
Thanks, see you soon.