02-04-2019, 06:09 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-04-2019, 06:09 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project,
I have been following Gay Project for years and I have to say that it was very useful, first to understand a little more seriously what homosexuality is, because it is a taboo subject for many people and at the beginning it was also for me, and then also to understand how gay guys' attitude towards homosexuality changes over time.
I’m 30 years old, I grew up in an officially secular environment but permeated with almost Catholic respectability. In practice I have heard of politics since I was a child but of moderate politics, more of political theory than of political passion, however, in this field I got an education and I can say that at 30 I still share many of the principles that I have been taught.
As for sexuality, the taboo has been virtually total. Everything was taken for granted to the point that sex was not mentioned at all. I knew that I would meet a girl and that we would get married and have two children, exactly two, not one or two. The friends of my parents, whom I often saw at home, were of the same dough as my parents, all couples with children and very standardized, the speeches were always the same, as if more or less a script was played.
When I was 19 I fell in love with a guy and literally lost my mind for him, he was the son of two teachers, both of them friends of my parents, this put me in crisis because I felt very conditioned by the fact that my parents would have easily noticed what was happening, but in the end the problem was not that. He was a year younger than me and was, or seemed to be the only non-standardized member of the group of my family friends. He was a very handsome guy.
I had put aside the mythic idea of finding a girl and had dedicated myself only to study. I lived thinking of two things only: study and pornography, all in all I was quite happy so, I didn’t have too many problems and I didn’t even consider the idea of finding a real guy. But since I started thinking about Mark (I'll call him so), the son of my parents' friends, my life has changed. In practice he became a fixation, I was in love with him, I fantasized about him, I was so sexually involved that I almost didn’t use pornography anymore.
As you can imagine the classic doubts have begun: is he gay or not? He had never had a girlfriend, but he was also very young, he was the classic good guy always perfect in everything: very good at school, sporty, aware of everything but enthusiastic about nothing, very cautious in speaking, apparently devoid of emotions and feelings.
One day we go out together for a walk, while our parents talk about their things. The embarrassment is total. I would have asked him, "Do you have a girlfriend?" But asking him something like that was not possible. We talked about literature, I tried to introduce the discourse on a literature with at least something gay but he dodged the speech and answered as a school book: only neutral literature, with at most some minimum concessions to politics.
I figured we'd be up early to break the ice but it didn’t happen that way. Our walks in the city were repeated but the script was always the same: pH 7, absolutely neutral. In short, no argument even remotely referable I don’t say to homosexuality, but even to sexuality in general. The relationship with Mark went ahead in these terms for three years: it was always me the one who was looking for him, he didn’t say no, we went out, but then everything ended there.
Frankly, I began to get tired of that perfect guy; he was starting to look like a doll being remote-controlled by his parents. By now I had become detached from my dependence on my parents and I wasn’t even looking for their approval anymore. The relationship with Mark cooled up and vanished. Two years ago I knew that he was gay and that he had a partner, with whom, however, the story had lasted little. At the time I fell in love with him, he didn’t have a boyfriend but evidently he was still too young or simply was not interested in me.
Later, he had gone to study abroad and we had had no more news about him. After the story of Mark I put aside the idea of great loves and beautiful guys who would have changed my life, I finished my studies and I started working in a stressful way, or rather stressful but also well paid and I really became autonomous. I met two gay guys, a couple, but not in gay circles, I met them at work, they were not declared, physically they didn’t attract me at all and with them I was well because I was not the third uncomfortable. Knowing this couple deeply I realized how the way of living homosexuality can be varied.
They were happy to be in pairs and they lived as a couple for years without problems, I was fine by myself and lived so for years without problems. They told me about their life, how they got to be in pairs. In many ways they come from a world far from mine and have had experiences that I would never do, yet they seem good guys, I would never consider them as possible partners of life, but in the end, until now, I found no possible partners of life at all.
I experienced also a bit of sex but only with two or three guys, be quiet, Project, always paying attention to prevention, some of these experiences also led to a half-relationship, but very relaxed, I've never been jealous of those guys, or maybe yes, but only a little bit, they were nice guys, polite, with whom I was fine but I would never have considered them life partners and the same was true of them towards me.
I also had a female friend. I had not absolutely put such a eventuality among the possible things, we felt seldom, but when it happened it was a pleasant thing. I thought then, and I still think so now, that this girl was not in love with me but with a female friend of hers she spoke to me about. In practice she was looking for the friendship, if not for the love of that girl because she thought that girl would never be well with a guy and would end up marrying just to please her family and find a social role.
With my female friend we never got to an explicit speech but it was clear that our relationship had nothing to do with sexual attraction: there has never been a moment of intimacy not even at minimum levels, and indeed on both sides there was the utmost attention to keep the distance. Obviously she officially didn’t know that I was gay, but she probably understood it.
I can say that I didn’t have true friendships with guys. My co-workers were and are all heterosexual, married or with an official girlfriend who is basically a wife. The ones I called friends were the three guys with whom I also had some sexual experience, with them I spoke quite seriously and we understood each other quite well.
One could say that these things are trivial, that true emotional life is not this and so on, but in fact with these guys I was objectively good without expecting impossible things. When I went through difficult times, they didn’t leave me alone and this amazed me and strengthened that link, if we want to say so, superficial but authentic, that united us.
Do you think this could be my gay life? That is, there will not be anything different in the future? Currently I don’t dream anything else, I have a bit of sex, and a bit of affection and at the same time I have no restrictions, I have no obligations, I’m not obliged to the rituals of a lover's life, like: gifts, text messages, phone calls lasting for hours, meetings with parents, something particularly odious, which I could never bear.
On your site I read several posts in which I recognized myself, probably the age of thirty is the age of reason for gays, the age when you become aware of reality and you leave the world of fairy tales. Reading those stories makes me feel less strange. Sometimes, talking in passing in chat (your chat) with some gay guy, I notice that they treat me like a stranger, as one who has to grow up, who has to get rid of a lot of complexes, but they don’t understand that I'm fine so, this is the soft way of being gay and it's my way.
Best wishes.