10-04-2021, 12:00 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-04-2021, 12:00 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project,
I skip the pleasantries. What would you do if you were 30 years old and had a soft spot for a friend of yours with whom you also had a little sex, but he was a friend who perhaps wants to distance himself from you and that you might not want to lose? What would you do if that friend of yours had his birthday in a week? Would you send him a happy birthday text message? I don’t say more, but a good wishes text message?
Because now I find myself in this situation, I’m not in love with my friend, that is, I’m not in love in the sense that if he is not there I die, indeed perhaps I live even better, but I think that despite his roughness he is still a friend, I just don't know what he thinks of me now, I don't know if we really understand each other, maybe now we understand each other less than before, however between us there has always been a certain mutual tolerance with some particularly important moments, he, in his own way, he cares a little about me, or maybe he cared, and I care a little bit about him, we went on also and perhaps above all because between us there was a bit of sex, to say that I don't care the sex part, it would be hypocritical, but I also wanted something else, I say I wanted because now sometimes I think I don't want anything at all.
I have an ambiguous feeling towards him: he attracts me but he also rejects me. I can't stand many of his ways of doing that seem disproportionate to me, but others touch me deeply.
I think sex has ruined everything between us. Yes, Project, first one goes out of his way to get there, and we both did, then you realize that you end up screwing it up, that everything ends up revolving around sex and everything else seems to have been just an excuse, a tool to get to sex, then you want to go back, but there is no going back. I wonder what I was looking for and what he was looking for when we met.
We both bragged about not being like the others, not rushing after sex just for sex, but in the end that's what we did and so we screwed everything up, maybe not, but it's no more like before. It is true that even now if there is a moment of strong communication it is right when we have sex, but then it passes and you realize that it ends right there.
There is the fact that neither he nor I really looked for other partners, maybe he did sometimes, but usually it didn't last long, when he wanted sex he came to me, when he wanted love he thought of others without going to bed with them because if he had done he would only go to bed with them and anyhow he wouldn't get what he was looking for.
He wasn't in love with me, I was the second choice, the one without love, the one only about sex, at least that's what he said and I think it was true. I knew what he thought of me, but I also knew that he needed me at least for sex and probably because I was the only one who cared about him, even though he would have wanted someone else in my place.
Another guy, in my place, would have sent him to the hell, but I never did because in the end I was aware that he would anyhow come back to me anyway, even if every time he came to me I was very cautious for fear of diseases because I didn’t trust what he used to say to reassure me and all this bothered him tremendously and so even sex sometimes started badly and ended worse and I ended up wondering: What am I doing here?
When we met we were not yet twenty and now we are still here, always fighting with the same things. He is perpetually frustrated and disappointed, not at work, fortunately, but in the emotional life, I’m increasingly disillusioned, but in the end we are still here. As for me, I believe that I will never have a boyfriend as I would like him and the speech is valid for him as well. Our being in some way together is clearly a compromise solution or better a fallback on both sides, but in the end that's what exists.
We always said things to each other's face, even the things I wrote to you here, and also said in a much more direct and aggressive way, at least in words. I don't like the idea of losing him at all. I know it would probably be the best solution for both me and him, but I would anyhow miss him badly. I would really be sorry that everything was lost, I'm afraid it could be so and I don't know what to do.
His birthday is a simple (trivial) way to tell him that I still think of him, what he will do I don’t know, if he doesn’t answer me he will have made the last move, the decisive one, and I will accept it, because I can only accept it, if he answers me I will have to face a thousand problems and I will, but I don't feel like I'm the one to decide for the no, because that's not what I want.