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A QUARRELSOME GAY COUPLE
#1
Hello Project,
I read your post "Gay between couple conflicts and utility relationships", please don’t be offended if I tell you it, but I made a terrible effort to get to the end, because your post seemed too theoretical and too much complicated. There was, however, a sentence that struck me a lot, because it corresponds to my personal experience: "The stalemate and the interruption of the dialogue are the premise of the formal rupture, which, however, doesn’t necessarily correspond to a substantial rupture, because confrontation through words is one thing and feelings are another thing." Here, it is precisely this the point I’d like to analyze referring to my personal experience.
 
I’m 34 years old and my partner is 31. We are the classic gay couple  used to quarrel. You don't know how many times we have soundly sent each other to the hell. In almost 10 years that we have been together, perhaps it is more the time we have spent quarreling than that we have spent together without quarreling, eventually, by dint of arguing, we have created an arsenal of fighting weapons, that is of insults and aggressive arguments that we use against each other when we quarrel and I could say that for us quarreling is the rule, not the exception. Today, perhaps, most of the quarrels we have are outbursts, squabbles, more a kind of raising your voice to do some theater than anything else, but a few years ago we used to reproach each other the worst things. This way sometime we reached  the "formal" breaking point, as you say, that is, we happened to end up to come to promise ourselves that we wouldn’t hear from each other again and it happened that once the two of us stopped meeting and staying in contact in any other way for three months, this to make you understand that then we used to take such things seriously. He accused me of being a hypocrite, that by now I was thinking of other guys and my head was elsewhere, even if I never thought of other guys, but I paid him back with the same coin, because I was convinced that he neglected me and that so many of those he called friends weren't really just friends. And he instead swore a thousand times that they were just friends.
 
Between us there has always been a considerable mutual jealousy, I have never borne the idea of sharing my boyfriend with someone else, I just don't like these things. I'm not enough for you? You need anyone else? So goodbye! You find another guy but you don't see me anymore! Trios and quartets are good for music but in sex stories I've never put up with such things. However, that there is jealousy in a couple of guys it is also a beautiful thing, because it means that they love each other. I will never understand a lover who is not jealous. I mean that quarrel out of jealousy is somehow acceptable, and it doesn't bother me so much, but between us there were also other reasons for quarrel and in particular when we said no to each other. If you are in love with a guy and you ask him something, anything, you expect a positive response not something like: “Look, don't bother me, today I have to deal with my problems!" Or, even worse:" Let's postpone it to another time! ... come on, not now!" It is clear that if you hear yourself answered like this, you have every right to be angry and try to take revenge, because, Project, these things exist even when two guys love each other. We love each other, okay, but if you play stupid with me I have to block you, I have to make you pay for it.
 
You wrote somewhere that in a couple that works well there must also be the pleasure of giving in to the other, and yes I like such an idea, but every now and then some small settling of scores is necessary, because he must understand that if he wants to play small dictator, it takes me just a second to send him to the hell. I don't tell you what happens if sometimes I don't feel like having sex! I try to explain it to him, just to make him understand that it is neither out of rejection nor out of spite, but he takes it badly and begins to insult me and tells me that I use him, because he never tells me no, but if it's true that he never tells me no, it is because in practice I never ask him for anything, while he harasses me in such a way that I have to send him to the hell anyway. That is, I mean: if you want to be with me you have to take me as I am, if not, bye! Then there are some speeches he makes that make me angry and that have been several times subject of quarrels.
 
Sometimes he starts like this: “Today I'd like to do this and that to a guy like …”, clearly and openly speaking about sexual things and then I say to him: “Well, go and do it! What are you waiting for?" and from there springs a quarrel without an end , because in that way he wants to tell me that I’m not up to his fantasies and that "therefore" that is "because of my fault”, he "must" look for other guys, and I reply: “Have you ever looked in the mirror? But where do you find another idiot like me who runs after you?"
 
We once had a bad fight, right in the early days, when we really knew very little about each other, because I had introduced him to a female friend of mine and he thought she was my girlfriend, or at least that she wasn't a simple friend but a friend to have sex with, like hetero guys say today. But I never thought about going to bed with a woman not even in my worst nightmares, but he was obsessed with this idea and accused me of "having one foot in both worlds". Now he realizes that such a thing is just grotesque, but then he considered it realistic.
 
We quarreled because he considered my attitudes towards my parents too compliant, but also because those very few times we went on vacation together he demanded to choose where and when, but also because he uses an after shave with a too much sweet scent I cannot bear, I asked him to change it but he didn't, because he doesn't care about what I tell him. He accused me of being slimy and insinuating and I accused him of being crude and rude and sometimes even aggressive and abusive, because he is much more robust than me and he takes advantage of it, that is, he overwhelms me physically.
 
We had a fight because he went gossiping about our affairs with his so-called friends. I never gossip about him, I keep to myself the things he tells me, he does exactly the opposite! But he doesn't tell me, and I learn from the others that he has gossiped and when I point it out to him he denies everything, even the evidence. He accuses me of being a coward because I don't want to come out in public, but he's not out of the closet! He too doesn’t want to come out in public, with friends yes, but at work he would never do it, but he poses as a gay guy who came out without any problem ... and that’s why he’s doubly hypocritical because he attributes to me a distorted way of reasoning that’s typically his. I’m yet in the closet and it suits me well so, he’s not out and pretends to be out! Such a behavior isn't it hypocrisy?
 
But we also fought over less noble things, that is, over money matters. Consider that we don’t live together, because it wouldn’t be possible, so there is no problem of shared money between us, but we fought because we are two opposites, I’m an ant and he is a cicada, he tells me that I’m a stingy guy, indeed, he says miser guy, and I accuse him of throwing money out the window posing as a great lord with his friends, for whom he often pays lunch when they go out together ... and they obviously feel grateful and never let him go, because they found the chicken to pluck!
 
I have always wondered what I can find in an idiot like him ... average intelligence, no more,  ... handsome? Nothing exceptional, he's average, nothing more, and when he poses as a viveur he’s really ridiculous, he tells me that I don't have the poetic sense of life ... but the sense of what? He tells me that I don't understand modern art, that I've never been young, that I had an old mentality even at 25. I told him: "There is one thing I really like about you ..." He expected who knows what, but I said to him: "... I like it when you do the rabbit face which is a very cute thing!" It is a kind of tic that he repeats every now and then, a bit even when he doesn't realize it, and he got angry because he thought that I wanted to tease him about something that was a defect for him ... yet when he does the rabbit face he is actually very cute.
 
I told him I don't like tattoos and he didn't have any ... it seems to me that telling someone who doesn't have tattoos that I don't like tattoos is an appreciation ... isn't it? And after a week he had a tattoo done in a somewhat delicate place, I asked him why he had done it and he, who is hypocritical up to this point, told me that he had that tattoo for a long time. But how can he think that I don’t know if my boyfriend has or doesn’t have a tattoo in a spot like that? This is to say how hypocritical he is.
 
He says of me that I go around slovenly in dressing and in personal care, I’m the jeans and t-shirt type, and winter jacket if needed, he is totally different! He must look special anyway and so throws money he earns and also the one he borrows from his parents (without ever returning). But I say: as for the guy, you have him! You don't have to look for another one! I once said to him: “Look, it's better that we don't go to live together (and he would never go to live with me because he would disgrace himself in public!) because if you think that ironing your shirts is up to me, or better is my duty, you are totally wrong! If you want a maid you must pay for it!"
 
He has ways of doing things that irritate me, but let's say he's the least worst of the guys I've met. He is not vindictive, but I am! We are like a big dog, him, and a small dog, me! I am always biting him but he doesn't react, he never aggressed me badly, he is a braggart, a smoke seller, he attacks only with words and swear words, but then forgets it. If you lecture him, it enters one ear and comes out of the other, it passes like fresh water. But he has a good thing, if he has the opportunity to put me badly in trouble, that is, to tear me apart he doesn't do it, he waits for my reaction, and if he sees that he can really hurt me, he stops. He never really did bad things to me, he never really disgraced me in public even when he could have done it.
 
There is one thing about him that I can't stand and that is the fact that he uses too direct language, that is, he talks about sex in very explicit terms, not only when it's just the two of us, but also when there are people, and above all he talks about sex using typical porn video jargon, and this bothers me terribly, he tells me that precisely in this he sees me hypocritical because I do things but I don't want to say it, while he is not afraid to say them (obviously always and only to his friends when he's gossiping). I like to have some privacy, for him privacy is unnecessary. Then I can't stand his friends, I adapt to seeing them every now and then, but I don't like them, they are all like him. For them seeing each other with friends is a bit like going to a play, they go out together as if they were going to the theater but not to see a play, but right to play it, and then you can't imagine the attitudes, as if they were scientists who read two books a day! I read very little or rather nothing! They too don't read anything at all but it seems that they live on books.
 
I have only two friends and I rarely contact them, because I have to work and the time I have left I want to dedicate it to my boyfriend and also a little to my parents who are not the best but are now old and have accepted my situation, or at least they don’t cause me problems, before they did, but now not anymore, and, well, basically they didn't create problems not even before, they were just worried because they thought that if you are gay you must go around with your butt outside and must speak in a woman's voice. On the other hand, my partner never sees his parents, or rather he sees them only to ask them for money to throw out the window for the most absurd things.
 
Another thing comes to mind now: I have an old and very battered car that is full of garbage inside, plastic bottles, greasy papers of all kinds, old bags of chips, etc. etc.; his car, on the contrary, is a cult object, for him, of course. The first time he let me in his car it seemed that he was giving me an extraordinary concession, I went inside and he immediately said not to slam the door, as soon as I entered I smelled a terrible chemical stench and I said: "What's this terrible smell ?" And he got mad, because he said it was a very expensive deodorant! (Immediately the opportunity to put the dot on the i!) I got off immediately because I was suffocating and then he too got off and started to explain to me about alloy wheels and many other devilry, but I stopped him immediately and said: "To me all these things seem like bullshit!" He would have exploded in anger but held himself back ... in practice he kicked me out, with an insult that he often uses: "How the hell did I put myself with a starving man like you!"
 
Here, however, I have to explain to you that he doesn't call me starving because he is rich and I am not, because he is not rich at all, neither is his family, we are more or less people of the same level. He calls me starved in the sense of stingy, miserly, one who behaves like starving man even if he is not starving. This is to make you understand. Last Christmas he gave me a pink case for the  mobile phone with little hearts on it and I said to him with a laugh: “Neither you can use such a case! Tell us the truth! Did your friends have recommended it to you?”
 
It takes patience with him! He is not bad, but he is not even good, he is one in the middle, so, a little yes and a little no, but by now we have created our own way of life. I can forgive him everything, or almost everything, but I could never bear him falling in love with someone else. Betrayal would make me outburst! I would react like a beast! But now ten years have passed and there has been nothing like that and then I think I'll keep him for me like he is, and then he too must have some patience to put up with me because he wants to be looked after in everything and I never treat him like the charming prince, because he is not, and I show him that he is just a guy like many and that when he poses as a superior man he only makes people pity him. However, Project, he is MY boyfriend! And tell me it's little!
 
Umbertino
(that's what they called me when I was a child! And still they call me so.)
Ps: Project, I hope you won't be angry because I said you write boring things… because it's true! But keep writing and take for granted that I'll always read you, but never forget that couples like mine really exist!
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