09-05-2017, 10:59 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-12-2018, 10:38 AM by gayprojectforum.)
Dear Project,
why did I decide to write to you? It's simple: reading your forum I've noticed sometimes your perplexed answers. In other gay websites, apart from those of easy sex, there are ideological assumptions, not political or religious, but ideological in the sense that for them gays have only positive aspects, gays are altruistic, educated, true friends, you can always trust them, etc. etc ... You, on these things, are much more elusive or, let's say better, cautious.
I'm just 40 y. o.; it is said that forty is the age of the crisis, yes, it’s possible, I know, but for me it is still the time of the first general evaluation of my life. I have lived a long story with a guy I will call Salvatore (Savior) because I really considered him my Savior, and I thought I loved him. But now, however, Salvatore has followed other dreams, because he wants to "restart his life" at 42, wants, as he says, "make a new life". The signals had been so clear and for a so long time, that when he explicitly stated that our story had come to and end, I was not in any way upset, I was waiting for such a thing and I can say that I considered it a form of liberation.
Then I thought about him: 18 years with a guy, 12 of whom lived together, and I did not understand anything about him. I do not consider him a bad guy because he is not at all, but he is very different from me, not better nor worse, he has his fantasies, his inner ghosts, his fixations, as we all have, yet after 18 years I realize I have lived with him only on the surface. At the beginning (I talk about many years ago) I supposed that I would be able to make him happy, and then slowly I realized that it was not so, and it would never have been so.
It could look strange, but the only thing that worked between us was sex, but we had to do it in silence, if by chance we started talking, it ended badly. Sometimes he was angry for a word that for me had no meaning. With him I could not speak of tenderness or sweetness, because behind these words he saw an attempt to tie him to me with an affective chain.
There was only sex between us. Sometimes I did not know how he could get angry for things that seemed to me to be of no weight. During the sex he wanted me to do everything he said and for me no problem at all, but he also wanted me to tell him things that seemed to me just a recitation and, I add, a stupid recitation, but if I did not tell him what he wanted to hear, he looked at me angrily and this destroyed the whole moment of intimacy. Probably the things he wanted me to do were related to parts of his life I never knew, but if it’s really so I will never know. I ended up looking for various pretenses for not having sex with him, that is to say, not to avoid having sex, but to avoid quarrelling for absurd things. He's still a pretty guy, even though he is not twenty, and he does not seem old to me, but for a long time I've been probably an alien to him, except for sex without saying a word.
Sometimes, especially in the early days, when we did not live together, he was very insistent, looking for me, sending me messages, I thought it was for affection, I thought so for years, but probably such things were only means to get sex with me, an idea that at first, for him, was almost obsessive. In the end each of us made the other the second protagonist in the story he wanted to live. For me, he was the boy in love who expresses himself through sex because he has the trouble to express himself in words. For him, I was the inhibited boy who does so much talk because he hesitates saying that he likes sex too much. There is no need to say that both interpretations were absolutely wrong.
At the beginning we told about everything, even about what was happening at work, then we ended up saying nothing and when I talked about something important for me, he listened out of education but basically was indifferent. A friend of ours had had great health problems, I felt worried and upset, he was basically indifferent. when I tried to talk to him he told me that chatting about such things does not help anything and that things go as they have to go. This answer froze me a bit even if I know it's basically right. One day the argument of betrayal came out and I asked him if he had ever betrayed me. The answer was clarifying: "When I was with Luigi, you did not have scruples ..." It does not bother me that he betrayed me but that he did not tell me if not when our story was practically over. Who knows how long he has betrayed me and with how many guys ... and I did not understand anything. But why keep such an ambiguous position? He could leave if he wanted to. Maybe for the house? The house is rented on my behalf and all the utilities are headed for me, but we have always shared exactly the expenses. He does not have trouble with money, works a lot and earns well, and if he would, he could easily buy an apartment.
I believe that monogamy is essentially unthinkable for him, he feels not betrayal just as betrayal, he tends to keep more relationships at the same time. I'm not angry or furious with him, I'm just puzzled. He is not here for a couple of weeks now, but I’ll be not surprised to see him come back home. Such a behavior would put me in trouble because I would not know what to do with him, but I hope nothing like this happens and that time also fades his memory, though inevitably that memory will remain. As for me, I do not have the least intention to look for another guy. My gay couple experience has be done yet, and has nothing to do with fairy tales, it's a human experience like many, it’s just my experience (and of course, also his). Now I want to be alone, I want to think about work, to organize a life based on other things and maybe to do something good for my neighbor, but nothing more gay. For the moment at least, the argument is frozen.
Sometimes I think of a strange thought: if I was forced to stay with a woman (which was also possible because I was not entirely indifferent to the girls) maybe I would have older children now, I would have a life that makes sense. I understand, maybe I might have a nice divorce behind, but it's certain that as a gay, the result is almost a debacle. I dreamed of an affective life but I have had only a sexual life, yes, but I have never had an affective life. Now I have passed the season of love, I feel neutral, basically indifferent. I would just have the curiosity to know if others have done well. At the end, I did not go wrong, it just ended up in smoke and I cannot even say I'm sorry.