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Hi Project,

I'm in a strange state of mind, I still don't feel old, even though I'm 35 and for so many things it's starting to be late. Now I’m alone, I have been alone for months, nothing destructive has happened, simply my boyfriend, slowly he has gone on his way, everything has happened imperceptibly, we have reduced our meetings until we have seen them almost completely vanish, maybe it might make sense to try to contact him again because I don't think he has any other stories, but in the end if he doesn't feel like building anything (and I too don't feel like it) maybe it's better everything to finish or better remain so. 

Now I spend my days at home doing nothing. When I come back from work I have a long evening ahead of me that I don't know how to spend. It's winter and here, in the middle of the mountains, it's very cold. Who lives in the city can see friends, can go around, but those who live in small countries, like mine, can only contact people on the internet, or can read or listen to music. Here it began to snow, it's a beautiful thing but also very melancholy. 

I often think of my boyfriend, I don't even know if he is still my boyfriend or he has found another guy. I hope he can be happy, because he is a good guy and he loved me. He is now 31 years old and we have known each other since he was 19. Being with him was beautiful, I learned so much about life and its problems, I also learned a lot about sex, which before I considered something much more stupid but between us it had a really huge importance. 

I had had some little sexual experiences even before I met him, but I never thought that sex could be really important. With him it was different, he opened my eyes, he made me understand what it means to embrace a guy who really wants to be with you, who is comfortable with you, who considers you a good person and who trusts you. I was very conditioned by my education, I was ashamed to show myself naked, but with him it never happened. His sexual behavior was so immediate and uninhibited, and at the same time never invasive or excessive, that I never felt the least embarrassment with him, precisely because he didn't feel it. He didn't feel judged by me, he knew I loved him, there was total confidence between us. I would say that this was perhaps the most beautiful aspect of our relationship: to say everything, to trust one another. 

It seems almost strange that I make these speeches now that he is no longer my boyfriend, but the esteem remains even if there is no longer a relationship between us. I consider him the best guy I met, the most sincere, the most honest and also the one who put me in the most crisis, which made me feel worse when I saw that he was sick, he prevented me from acting and forced to be what I really am. 

Today I don't feel the need to be with another guy, if I met one, I would probably compare that guy to him and I think it would be very difficult to find someone like him. He has his fixed ideas, which are neither few nor small, even in sex, and at first I was scared, then I started to get used to it and the problems became smaller and smaller, until they disappeared at all. In practice we grew up together, he is four years younger than me but there was complicity from the beginning. 

When I met him I never thought he would become my boyfriend, it seemed like an impossible dream and instead it happened and it happened above all on his own initiative, I tried to get away but he wouldn't let me to. He told me several times that when he had sex with me he was fine because I didn't expect anything from him, I was there when he needed it but I left him free. I thought that over the years something would change and it happened, but understanding each other, loving each other didn't vanish, we're still us, or at least I think so. 

We meet very rarely, but when I call him I know he likes it. We are no longer kids, we are two adult men who respect and trust each other. I know well that he is there even if I see him very little, I know that if it were necessary he would be there anyway, and I think this is a way to love each other.

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