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A DIFFICULT GAY RELATIONSHIP
#1
Hi Project,

I’m 18 years old and I would like to talk about something that has happened to me and that makes me feel very bad. It's a complicated story, but please be patient and tell me what you think.

In early January this year I felt terribly uncomfortable, because I was alone and I didn’t have a boyfriend. I cannot be alone and I missed a guy a lot, I had fallen in an awful love, but then I saw the guy in question with a girl and such a thing had torn me to pieces, but I knew that there was nothing to do. I spent my days fantasizing about how nice it could be to have a guy who understands me, to talk with, reasoning like me and who loves me, I also wanted him nice, that is not beautiful, but as I like him, a sweet guy, affectionate.
 
At school, at an assembly I see a guy that I like a lot, let's say I didn’t notice him before, but I thought he was beautiful. After the disappointing experiences I had had with others, I didn’t delude myself very much, partly because I'm not as nice as him. But he approached me and started talking to me, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to delude myself but I liked him.
 
In February, after the report cards, we went on a school trip, we ended up in the room together, just the two of us. I swear it was not a planned thing, but it happened. In short, when we went to bed, after a while he got out of his bed and approached me and asked if he could get into my bed. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted it, but I didn’t know what would happen, I told him yes and immediately afterwards I asked him if he was gay and he said yes.
 
It was beautiful, we touched each other and masturbated each other, I was in orbit and he was very fascinated too. We were careful not to do dangerous things because he confessed to me that he had done it with other guys. I was happy, as I have never been in my life. The next day we did it again and he insisted on going further, but I didn’t want to, he finally had oral sex to me but not me to him, even if the desire was so great, but I masturbated him.
 
Then the trip ended and we went back to Milan and my anxiety started there. He didn’t call me, he didn’t answer my messages, but he wanted me to go to his house when his parents were not there (they work in the afternoon) to have sex, for a few days I went there but, after sex, everything was over. I would have liked a bit of tenderness, but if I caressed him, he would look at me strangely and would tell me that he didn’t like those things. When I sent him some text messages he got angry because he told me that his parents could find the messages, but when his parents were not at home, he demanded me to go to him.
 
Once, I could not really, because I had grandma at home and I didn’t go and he got angry, black, he raised his voice, then it passed. Well, now for a few days I cannot stand him any longer, he always asks me if I like what we do and things like that, I try to tell him that I'd like something with a little more feeling and he replies to me that he’s very keen on me, but I have the impression that it is not like that at all. In short, I think that for him I'm worth something only because I run to his house to have sex whenever he wants, and our relationship ends here.
 
Project, now I'm at the point where I cannot bear him anymore. At the beginning I masturbated thinking of him, now I don’t do it anymore and when I'm at his house I wonder: What the hell am I doing here? I'm going to have a little sex, it’s true, but if we have sex this way it seems to me just a mechanical thing. I think I should get away from him, yesterday I tried, but he got angry, he raised his voice, he began to say that I exploit him and use him when it suits me and then I think I can throw him away like a rag, he told me that if I say no, between us everything is over forever and I don’t deserve him, but you could see that he was uncomfortable.
 
I didn’t know how to react because I didn’t want to hurt him and in the end I gave up and we had sex like the other times, but I really had the brain somewhere else. I honestly think that being told no makes him a terrible effect and I don’t want to hurt him in the heavy sense, because after all I love him and I don’t know what to do.
 
I send you my skype contact (omissis), because I would like to talk a bit about it, since I cannot talk about it with anyone.
 
Alex
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